BE BEAUTIFUL

You are beautiful.
Yes, you. You are beautiful. Just accept that, own that, believe that. Because it can make all the difference in your world.
You see, a person who believes they are beautiful is beautiful on the inside. And that brings out an inner glow in them that is unmistakable and unforgettable. And -- now here's the radical part -- once you truly believe you are beautiful you actually become beautiful.
On the other hand, if you walk around in a bad frame of mind -- grumpy, depressed and down all of the time -- then you can be Miss Universe on the outside and you will be increasingly ugly on the inside. And you will become even more ugly as you age. Just trust me on this. I knew a woman who was a true beauty when she was young -- I saw her high school senior photo -- but let her life turn ugly and then let the ugliness consume her through smoking, alcoholism, divorce and an ugly attitude until she was the exact opposite of that early photo.
It can be hard to defeat the ugliness life throws at us. I know another woman who has endured a lot of ugliness in her life, from the time she was a little child until now, as an adult, but wages a daily war against the stooges of bitterness, anger and hatred while also fighting the forces of depression. Because of that, she is able to retain a giving, loving heart and remains an incredible beauty because of the woman she is inside.
Life continues to throw some awful things her way, constantly testing her inner beauty. From time to time she suffers losses in this ongoing war, but she remains constant in her belief that she will not give in to the bitterness and anger that lap at her heels.
For that alone, she is brave, strong and beautiful.
So believe me when I tell you that you are beautiful. Because you are. And you will be even more beautiful the moment you embrace your inner and outer beauty.
Then you will shine like never before, radiating beauty to the entire world around you. And people will notice your beauty and be awed by it and by you.
Which is only the least that you deserve. After all, you ARE beautiful.

EVERYONE HURTS

No one gets through life unscathed. Everyone gets hurt eventually.
We get rejected. We get ignored. We get ridiculed. We get beaten. We get our hearts broken.
And life insists we move on, that we cope, that we adapt, the we deal with it. And we do, more often than not, by closing ourselves off from people, by enclosing our fragile, still-hurting parts behind a wall of stone that no one will ever be allowed to penetrate. We learn to live by the Irish lesson: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
We swear in silent oaths to ourselves that we will never let that happen to us again, all while blaming ourselves for it happening in the first place. We should have seen it coming. We should have known better than to trust that person. We should have realized we just aren't worthy of love, of happiness, of the life we seek.
We look at ourselves in the mirror and wonder: What in the world could anyone see in me? Why would anyone in their right mind be attracted to me? Why wouldn't she reject a loser like me?
What we often fail to realize is that the other person is hurting too, that they also have suffered hurts that drive them to act as they do. Whether by intent or by instinct, they are trying to protect themselves from pain and anguish. They, too, feel unworthy, unwanted, unloved and unlovable. In fact, they may be rejecting you in a pre-emptive strike, certain that in time you will reject them if they stay. So they reject first so that they can avoid being rejected.
If only each of us could honestly share our heart's aches and longings, pains and sufferings, hopes and dreams, triumphs and tragedies, and know that what we share is kept in a sacred trust, never to be shared with anyone else, maybe we could avoid more rejection, more hurt, more suffering by us and others.
Each and every one of us has been hurt. Each of us is scared. Each of us is afraid to open ourselves to yet another rejection. Each and every one of us is capable of an amazing, deep and powerful love. We want to share that love with someone, the right someone.
To do so, however, requires us to let down our guard, to knock down our walls, to open our hearts up to another, to be willing to be hurt and rejected again.
It can be an awful lot to ask. But the reward is well worth the risk. And the potential rejection.

LOVE IS A WELL

Love is a well that cannot be capped.
Once tapped, love flows from the heart until death, or until there remains no love in the heart.
But you cannot tap the love inside your heart. Nor can just anyone drill into the heart to make love flow. Your will cannot make love surge out of your heart for someone. Nor can just anyone come along and, like a wildcatter, make love burst from your heart like oil from a gushing well.
No, only the right person can make love come pouring out of your heart. And you will know this person because the very sight of them will make your heart beat faster, will make you long to be with them, will make their life and them the very center of your world. You will know by how empty and meaningless life is when then are not part of it, when they are absent or missing. You will know by how thoughts of them fill every empty moment of every day and how thoughts of them carry over into the dreams of the night. You will know by how you awaken every day to thoughts of them and fall asleep each night with prayers for and dreams of them.
You will know them because they are the answer to hundreds of spoken and unspoken prayers and the embodiment of a lifetime of dreams.
Still, the love you have for them remains trapped inside your heart until the day when they lower their drill, and their guard, and let you see that they, too, have feelings for you. For only by being vulnerable to each other, open to each other, trusting of each other can a heart truly be pierced so the love can flow.
When that happens you both are drenched in its warmth and swept away on the emotional wave. But you take that voyage together, hand in hand, until you reach the shore of a life that you will share.
Unfortunately, sometimes one person wants to sail onto this sea of love to find that life while the other does not. Because they are afraid -- to love, to be loved, to share love, to trust someone else for the rest of their life, or because they have been so hurt in the past that they cannot risk being hurt ever again.
That is when the love flows on and on, pouring out of your heart, but offering no solace, no comfort, no peace. Only the ache where the drill landed, where your heart was pierced, where, for a moment, dreams came to life and prayers were answered.
And where, now, there is only the constant gurgling of love, flowing out of your heart and into an empty, meaningless, bottomless-pit of a life.

MERRY (?) CHRISTMAS

Merry Christmas.
I wish I could say I feel merry and that I am anxious for Christmas, but that would be an outright lie.
The holidays -- and all other significant days (hey, aren't they all significant?) -- seem to lose all luster and all meaning when the one you love is gone from your life. Instead, holidays become just another day one must endure on his or her way to the final day, the final hour, the final minute. There is no good reason to give Christmas or any other day any special weight or significance because it just is another 24 hours to fill with useless and meaningless activity meant only to eat up what little time you have left on this earth.
After all, Christmas is just an arbitrary day, a date chosen long ago to be the one day to celebrate the birth of the Savior. But really, shouldn't we celebrate His birth, His sacrifice, His example, His life every day? It seems rather silly of us to act as if Christmas is the only day to really celebrate the greatest sacrifice ever made.
But while the rest of the planet finds extra joy and additional happiness on Dec. 25, for some of us it is just another day to endure, to survive, to get through. We may do that in the company of family or friends or we may do that alone, with only our thoughts and sorrow for company. We simply can't find that extra joy or even regular happiness in a world devoid of the one we love. Oh, we may force a smile, pretend to be merry, even drink a little more than we should in the hope the alcohol will numb the numbness or that it will melt the iceberg that has taken up residence in our hearts. But nothing works, nothing can fill that which only can be filled by the presence of one person, the one we love with all of our hearts. Everything else is simply the square peg in the round hole. A nice idea, but it simply does not work.
In fact, these holidays sometimes are harder than any other day because that person is absent. We can handle their absence better on those days when everyone else is going through their daily motions and living out their equally meager existences. It is worse, however, on a day when the rest of the world seems to be filled with joy, with happiness and is surrounded by all the people they love, most especially the one they love the best. And we have to watch them and see, in them, what once was but now is not; to be reminded again of who and what is missing from our lives and how empty and meaningless those lives are without the love we had with them.
So, please, have a Merry Christmas. Just remember that for some, it is neither merry nor worth celebrating.

GRIEVING THE LOSS

The death of a relationship is a lot like a death. You grieve it, miss it, long for it, cry about it, get angry over it's loss, come to grips with it and finally come to accept it, even though the loss and the ache will never go away.
There are some differences, however. For one, most people won't even know you had a relationship, let alone that is it over, so many will not understand why you are edgy, cranky, aloof and generally not yourself. Secondly, some people will not accept that men can or will grieve the loss of a relationship since this is territory most often reserved for women.
Men, we are told by movies, television, books, etc., from a young age, just love 'em and leave 'em and move on to the next one without a moment's remorse. I guess I didn't drink that Kool Aid because I have never done any of those things. All my life has been a search for that one true love, that singular relationship, that soulmate, that collaborator, that muse, that best friend, that one person for whom I was created. I have far too much respect for women to treat them as one-night stands or to lead anyone on, at least not on purpose. I'll admit, in my naive youth, I missed a lot of signals and hurt the feelings of a young woman or two, but never with any ill intent. And I felt badly that I hurt them unintentionally.
The other exception to the normal rules of grieving is that the other person in this lost relationship still lives. She's still out there, breathing, living and going on with her life too, albeit maybe with less loss and less anguish than what you are suffering since, afterall, we are assuming she ended it and not you.
That creates some issues for those grieving. Do you live on in the hope one day she will realize what she lost and return to you? Do you live out the rest of your life as if trying to prove to her what a prize she missed out on? Do you try to reconnect with her, or do you just let her go? Do you stay near her in the hope she might see you again or do you move as far away as possible so that you never are reminded of that pain and loss?
And what, if you stay, do you do if chance brings you back together again, say, in a public place? Do you act as if you don't care, even when it is eating you alive inside? Or do you let her see how hurt, how lost, how empty your life is without her?
And does any of that really matter at all?
Because, after all, she ended this. Don't you think she probably did so because she wanted it over, that she really doesn't want a relationship with you? Don't you think all she wants is for you to go away, to disappear into the background of her life forever and ever? Don't you think that last thing she wants is to run into you?
This assumes, of course, that this woman actually did care for you at one time and may still want to remain friends with you. All bets are off if she, however, is one of those people who draws pleasure from torturing former lovers and cats, not necessarily in that order. Then you are risking more than just your heart and self-esteem when you tangle again with her.
If, however, she really did care at one time, she clearly does not feel that way anymore or the two of you would still be together. So you had best just get on with the grieving. Once the tears have dried and the acceptance begins to sink in, pick your heart up, put it back on your sleeve and step back out into the world.
Look again for love. It is out there, somewhere, waiting for you, looking for you. If it happens that the love looking for you is her, then time will bring her back to you. If not, then search on and never give up until love finds you.
All the same, realize it gets harder and harder to step back out there, to risk it all for love, with each loss, with each rejection. But it is worth the risk, even if you never do get to win.

CONVENTION VS. UNCONVENTIONAL

I've always flirted with the unconventional, while still being a bit conventional.
I know that sounds contradictory, but then, again, I am an avowed contrarian.
Still, let me explain. Throughout my life, there has always been a part of me that swerves well outside the mainstream, into the odd and unusual. So while much of my life is quite conventional, there is that part that defies convention and prefers something different.
Growing up, for instance, I was a huge football fan. I devoured everything I could read on the subject. Then I saw my first Canadian Football League game and was hooked. Here was something unconventional, unusual and it fit me just fine. I read about it, studied the game and the players and even subscribed to magazines and newspapers devoted to the game.
I lost interest in that once I reached college, so music took its place. I listened to what was popular, but then I joined the staff of the college radio station. The station, at one point, was ditching piles of records of unknown and unheralded artists. I took many home, found music I loved, and listened to these people often. Of course, no one else had heard of them or cared, so the music was my effort at being unconventional. I still enjoy finding the new and unusual in music and prefer it over what is popular.
When I was younger, and had just learned to drive, I fell for un-American car racing -- LeMans, Formula 1, Can-Am, rallying -- anything that wasn't limited to left-hand turns for lap upon lap. No one I knew shared this passion and while it waned for several decades, it returned when cable television started airing the Speed channel, back when European rallying and Formula 1 were among its regular programs and which still shows the 24 hours of LeMans from start to finish.
I was into distance running before it got big and stayed with it until health issues forced me to stop. I still remain a fan who can watch a marathon or track meet on television without a moment's remorse or guilt. Then I got into cycling, another European sport for which I have a deep and abiding passion. If I talk to people about it, they get this puzzled look on their faces since, after all, they stopped riding a bicycle in their teens and can see no reason to return to human-powered travel, except possibly if they are camping. And then only if they have to. To admit that, on Saturday, I logged nearly 30 miles in the rain and cold, simply draws looks of disbelief and an effort to get away from the crazy man.
I read whatever books and magazines interest me, which also draws me into the unconventional. For I am an incurable romantic, who still believes in the power and beauty of real love and is convinced that, in time, it will return for me, regardless of how long that may take.
While this may paint a picture of someone hiding an unconventional streak, I believe I am not alone in this. Though I have yet to meet another, I believe there are others out there who find their passions in areas the rest of their small world does not recognize or respect. Like me, they, too, long to find someone with which to share at least some of these passions, while recognizing that no person will, or should, match them passion-for-passion. Instead, we recognize and appreciate the differences in people and know our passions may ignite interest in another just as their passions may well inspire us to look further at something we previously had not considered.
Life does not have to be an all-or-none proposition. You can be conventional in part of your life, unconventional in the rest. You truly can be of two minds, one that enjoys what everyone else does and the other which strives to find that which no one else around you has ever experienced before.
Don't bow to convention. And don't limit yourself to an unconventional life. Be both. For as much and as often as you like.

LOVE'S PRACTICAL LESSON

Life is nothing, if not a practical teacher.
Put your hand on a hot stove and the burn will teach you to never do that again. Take a gravelly corner too fast on your bike and the torn and bruised flesh will leave scars that teach an equally indelible lesson. Exercise too much and too hard before your body is ready and the aching, stiff joints and muscles will be a steady reminder that you made a mistake.
Open your heart to the wrong person and the hurt will teach you to never, ever do that again.
And if you think these valuable lessons are taught only to the young, think again, my friend. Age is not the same as experience, and experience is the great teacher here. You may be young and have lived through enough hurts and painful lessons to be wiser than a less experienced senior citizen. Life is not prejudiced toward the aged, saving all of its wisdom just for them. It hands out these lessons to everyone, regardless of age or sex or background. Rich or poor, educated or not, experience offers lessons that last a lifetime.
Ahh, but that is the rub, isn't it? For someone in the spring of their life, these lessons can be applied for decades. Learn these lessons in the fall of your life, however, and you have but years to reap the benefits. And suffer the aching pain.
So while love is not saved for just the young, neither are the painful benefits of loss and rejection. Love will come when its time is right, not when we expect it. That does not mean our love will be accepted or cherished by the recipient. We may be left standing, our shattered hearts no longer on our sleeves but in pieces in our hands, wondering why it hurts so much and what went to so horribly wrong. And there will be no answers, only loss and emptiness and sadness.
What lessons can be learned from such hurt? What will we take away from this experience?
Most will close off their hearts, locking them behind well-constructed defensive walls, down in cool, damp dungeons, as far from light and life as possible. They will seal their vulnerabilities with a detachment designed to keep the rest of the world, especially those who might just know the key to that dungeon door, at a distance. They will be the people we have met but never really get to know well, for they have been deeply hurt and refuse to suffer such hurt ever again.
Often such defenses are not built on the rocks of a single hurt but on the repeated breeches of our earliest battlements. With every hurt, with every succeeding loss, the injured repeats what soon becomes their mantra: "I will never let that happen again."
Rare is the person who can suffer these repeated losses and rejections and remain open to love and its amazing possibilities. These are resilient souls who have either a masochist's penchant for pain or who simply refuse to give up on the ultimate goal: Finding the love which they (and we all) seek. That they remain open to love does not mean they eventually will find it. Being open to love still means being open to being hurt and rejected. And more pain may be all they will get for being so willing and vulnerable.
But maybe they will get lucky and love will not only find them, but will stay with them for the rest of their lives, no matter how long or short that is.
The rest of us, however, have learned our lesson. And we'll never let that happen again.