Relationships are never, ever 50-50, no matter how much we may want them to be.
I say "may" because I'm not sure any of us has ever experienced or known a truly 50-50 relationship, so how can we ever know that is what we want? I think most of us would just like a 60-40 or 70-30 relationship, as long as the ratio is flexible and yet never rises to the 90-10 or 95-5 area ever.
I just think we all want a relationship where nearly everything is shared. No one thing is always mine to do and no one thing is always yours to handle. I can cook and clean, as can you. You can pay the bills and mow the lawn, and so can I. And as often as possible, we tackle these tasks together. But, when we're both working and both trying to run a home together, there will be times when I haven't the time and times when you haven't a second to spare, and that is when our partner, our true co-worker steps in to handle the burden, both of us realizing this is only a temporary arrangement.
That does not mean that no one "owns" anything. We each "own" our part of each responsibility. If I am making the salad, then I take pride and responsibility for doing it well. If you are making the roast, you do it to the best of your ability and can be proud of how well it turns out. But when we sit down for this meal, we each will be sharing our gifts and our energies with each other, in a way me feeding you and you feeding me.
If we perform our daily tasks with our partner in mind, and our partner sharing the job, then do we not feel closer to them with every job that gets done? And do we not mesh our very selves into everything we do, nothing all-me and nothing all-you but everything all-us?
I know of adults -- parents mostly -- who strive so hard to make everything equal for their children, as if the world were going to treat everyone equally. We should not strive for equality in our relationships but for equity, for a reasonable and personal sharing of the daily and regular jobs in our lives so that when those jobs are over we can both take pride in a job well done and both share in the free time left to us.
Left to us. As a couple. As partners. As co-workers. As co-accomplishers. As one.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Monday, April 2, 2012
IF DEATH WERE NEAR ...
Everyone here is dying, whether we like it or not.
We cannot prevent it and we try not to think about it, but it is an indisputable fact of life. All of us are dying.
The only unknown is how fast we are dying. Will we die today? Tomorrow? Fifty years from now? We don't know and because we don't know we tend to live as if we will do so forever when, if we let ourselves think about it, we know that cannot be true.
I often wonder how much differently we'd all live if we knew when we would die. How would that effect our work? Our relationships? Our attitudes? Would we hate less, or more? Would we love more easily or even more restrictively than we do now? Would there be less poverty and less hoarding if we knew when we were to leave this life?
But we don't know, can't know and so we go on living as if we have years not minutes, decades and not hours or days left. We place great importance in things that will not last and little or no importance on the things that will. We hold desperately onto items and objects and readily dismiss and distance ourselves from people and relationships.
And we act as if love were something to take or leave, more often leaving than taking. Because, we figure, time will bring it around again and, if not, we'll find it somewhere farther down the line in someone else we have yet to meet.
I often think to myself, if I knew I was to die tomorrow, what would I be doing today? And while I know I cannot live my entire life that way, because to do so would be to give away everything and to live the rest of my life in poverty (though I am not certain that would necessarily be a bad thing), if I can carry a little of that reality, a little of that thinking into my everyday world, perhaps it will make me a better, more loving person.
Even if the rest of the world lives as if there are thousands of tomorrows to come.
We cannot prevent it and we try not to think about it, but it is an indisputable fact of life. All of us are dying.
The only unknown is how fast we are dying. Will we die today? Tomorrow? Fifty years from now? We don't know and because we don't know we tend to live as if we will do so forever when, if we let ourselves think about it, we know that cannot be true.
I often wonder how much differently we'd all live if we knew when we would die. How would that effect our work? Our relationships? Our attitudes? Would we hate less, or more? Would we love more easily or even more restrictively than we do now? Would there be less poverty and less hoarding if we knew when we were to leave this life?
But we don't know, can't know and so we go on living as if we have years not minutes, decades and not hours or days left. We place great importance in things that will not last and little or no importance on the things that will. We hold desperately onto items and objects and readily dismiss and distance ourselves from people and relationships.
And we act as if love were something to take or leave, more often leaving than taking. Because, we figure, time will bring it around again and, if not, we'll find it somewhere farther down the line in someone else we have yet to meet.
I often think to myself, if I knew I was to die tomorrow, what would I be doing today? And while I know I cannot live my entire life that way, because to do so would be to give away everything and to live the rest of my life in poverty (though I am not certain that would necessarily be a bad thing), if I can carry a little of that reality, a little of that thinking into my everyday world, perhaps it will make me a better, more loving person.
Even if the rest of the world lives as if there are thousands of tomorrows to come.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
WOMEN ARE STRONG
I chafe when a man calls his wife or girlfriend "the little woman" because the term diminishes her. I object when a man calls his wife "the old ball and chain" because he's belittling her and making her look overbearing and warden-like.
I also am bothered by terms like "the fairer sex" and the "the weaker sex" because I think they underestimate and overgeneralize. Yes, there are women who are fairer than men and women who are weaker then men or even other women. Does that mean the entire gender should be painted with that brush? I think not.
Science has shown that when it comes to pure physical strength, women cannot equal or exceed man. That said, there are men who are weak and women who are strong, just as there are men who are strong and women who are weak. And there are a whole lot of the rest of us somewhere in between. There are women I would not want to arm wrestle. And there are men whom I could easily beat, and I am certainly no body builder.
Most women I know, however, are far stronger mentally and emotionally than men. Yes, I said emotionally. You may be thinking of times when the woman you know has gone deep into the well of her emotions and thought surely men are stronger since, after all, we are trained not to show our emotions much, if at all. But if we men had the same levels of hormones coursing through our blood and occasionally spiking, we'd all be emotional basket cases, believe me. And while we men pride ourselves in being able to lift and carry more weight than the women we know and love, which one of us could endure the labor and pain of childbirth? None. Absolutely none. And yet women often endure it not once, but several times. Now which is the stronger sex?
I do think women, as a rule, strive to be fairer and to seek fairness in most things. While that term "the fairer sex" was not referring to that, I do think the label in that form might apply in general. Men tend to consider that life is never fair so why bother. Women, realizing life's innate unfairness, try to at least provide some balance to the otherwise unfair lives of those they love. It is not unlike trying to stem a raging flood with a teacup, but you have to give them credit for trying.
Women also have the innate ability to be more empathetic than the males of this world. I don't mean to imply that all women are more empathic than men, just that I think they are given the gift for greater empathy than men. Some exercise that gift and others do not. A woman I know, when faced with her own personal, emotional and relational burdens, still thinks first of how she can be more for those around her, whether they are family, friends or nearly complete strangers. She sees herself, and God, in those around her. And she sees with empathetic eyes that few others I know will ever have.
We men may have been blessed by our Creator with the brute muscular strength to move mountains, or at least small molehills, but women have been graced with a strength, a depth of emotion, an empathy and a spirit that we can only envy. Women are a living marvel. And we are so lucky they are all around us.
I also am bothered by terms like "the fairer sex" and the "the weaker sex" because I think they underestimate and overgeneralize. Yes, there are women who are fairer than men and women who are weaker then men or even other women. Does that mean the entire gender should be painted with that brush? I think not.
Science has shown that when it comes to pure physical strength, women cannot equal or exceed man. That said, there are men who are weak and women who are strong, just as there are men who are strong and women who are weak. And there are a whole lot of the rest of us somewhere in between. There are women I would not want to arm wrestle. And there are men whom I could easily beat, and I am certainly no body builder.
Most women I know, however, are far stronger mentally and emotionally than men. Yes, I said emotionally. You may be thinking of times when the woman you know has gone deep into the well of her emotions and thought surely men are stronger since, after all, we are trained not to show our emotions much, if at all. But if we men had the same levels of hormones coursing through our blood and occasionally spiking, we'd all be emotional basket cases, believe me. And while we men pride ourselves in being able to lift and carry more weight than the women we know and love, which one of us could endure the labor and pain of childbirth? None. Absolutely none. And yet women often endure it not once, but several times. Now which is the stronger sex?
I do think women, as a rule, strive to be fairer and to seek fairness in most things. While that term "the fairer sex" was not referring to that, I do think the label in that form might apply in general. Men tend to consider that life is never fair so why bother. Women, realizing life's innate unfairness, try to at least provide some balance to the otherwise unfair lives of those they love. It is not unlike trying to stem a raging flood with a teacup, but you have to give them credit for trying.
Women also have the innate ability to be more empathetic than the males of this world. I don't mean to imply that all women are more empathic than men, just that I think they are given the gift for greater empathy than men. Some exercise that gift and others do not. A woman I know, when faced with her own personal, emotional and relational burdens, still thinks first of how she can be more for those around her, whether they are family, friends or nearly complete strangers. She sees herself, and God, in those around her. And she sees with empathetic eyes that few others I know will ever have.
We men may have been blessed by our Creator with the brute muscular strength to move mountains, or at least small molehills, but women have been graced with a strength, a depth of emotion, an empathy and a spirit that we can only envy. Women are a living marvel. And we are so lucky they are all around us.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
MEMORY
I haven't lived in that house for nearly two decades and yet I not only remember the address, I also remember the phone number I had when I lived there.
Memory is a funny thing. Sometimes you can't remember what you were about to say, or where you put the car keys you used yesterday and yet your memory can recall, with distinct and intricate detail, something that happened years, if not decades ago.
A friend once said she thought something was wrong with her because she was, she said, so forgetful. I told her that the mind gets filled with so many things to remember as we get older that we are bound to shove the less crucial things to the side and keep those memories we deem important where we can easily access them. Hence, she might forget where she put her cell phone because, for her, it simply is a tool. A young person, on the other hand, might never lose track of that device because, for them, it is a lifeline to friends and the outside world.
On the other hand, she might recall with great clarity a night spent with a friend while a young person might forget a friend's name.
It is all a matter of what really matters.
Which is why, on this day, I am remembering the birth of someone special, someone so amazing and so incredible. She no longer is in my life, but she will always be in my mind and in my heart. For there is no more important person on the planet to me and no one who can or will ever take her place. She is a singularity, a shining star, a walking, talking miracle.
Minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades may pass, but she will never leave my memories. Which is why this day, this date will never go unnoticed, nor will her birth or the mother who bore her go unhonored. For on this day love came into the world and, in time, into my life. And nothing is more important than that.
Memory is a funny thing. Sometimes you can't remember what you were about to say, or where you put the car keys you used yesterday and yet your memory can recall, with distinct and intricate detail, something that happened years, if not decades ago.
A friend once said she thought something was wrong with her because she was, she said, so forgetful. I told her that the mind gets filled with so many things to remember as we get older that we are bound to shove the less crucial things to the side and keep those memories we deem important where we can easily access them. Hence, she might forget where she put her cell phone because, for her, it simply is a tool. A young person, on the other hand, might never lose track of that device because, for them, it is a lifeline to friends and the outside world.
On the other hand, she might recall with great clarity a night spent with a friend while a young person might forget a friend's name.
It is all a matter of what really matters.
Which is why, on this day, I am remembering the birth of someone special, someone so amazing and so incredible. She no longer is in my life, but she will always be in my mind and in my heart. For there is no more important person on the planet to me and no one who can or will ever take her place. She is a singularity, a shining star, a walking, talking miracle.
Minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades may pass, but she will never leave my memories. Which is why this day, this date will never go unnoticed, nor will her birth or the mother who bore her go unhonored. For on this day love came into the world and, in time, into my life. And nothing is more important than that.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
LEARNING TO TRUST
All of my life I have trusted God.
Whatever came at me in life, I just tried to give it my best and let God take care of the rest. I assumed my best was all God could or would ever want.
I was okay with that arrangement. I'd do my best at everything and God would take care of the rest. It helped, of course, that the answer or result of such things came fairly quickly. There was no waiting for weeks or months or even years on end for Him to act or decide. He gave me enough patience to wait for everything else.
All during this time, I was waiting for love. I just assumed it was out there, somewhere, in the form of the right woman and that I would meet her at the right time and from that point on we would both love each other the best we could and we'd let God take care of the rest. I had no reason to doubt this would happen.
Life is never that simple, nor that easy.
God brought love into my life and just as quickly took it away. I'm still trying to figure out why. Was it something I did? Didn't do? Was it just the wrong time? Or is there some other reason why this didn't work out? Or is this simply a delay in the final decision? I still don't know and the not knowing has shaken my trust in God.
You see, it took a series of miracles just to bring the two of us together. It took even more miracles to open us up to each other. And the final miracle -- love itself -- seemed to convince me that this was ordained to happen by Him (or Her, if you prefer). So when it all fell apart, I was left wondering what was the point. Why perform all of these miracles in the lives of two people just to separate them? That just doesn't make much sense to me.
I've been mentally wrestling with this quandary ever since she walked out of my life. The part of me that recognizes the miracles feels the need to step in and do something to get her back. The more logical side of me sees the folly in that since such actions most certainly would only serve to push her further away.
What this calls for is trust. I have to trust in God as I have never trusted before. That's because the answer, if one indeed is ever coming, is not bound to arrive anytime soon. No, this is going to take a long time if it is ever to happen. I have to put my trust in Him and go on with my meager existence (I cannot in good conscience call anything without her in it a "life"), hoping one day He will reveal His plans to me.
I realize we each have free will and that maybe this is her expression of that ability, rejecting me and us. But this, then, is my exercise of free will. I choose to trust in God and to wait, as long as it takes, to see if maybe time will bring her back to me. If not, then too bad for me. If not, then God wasted some pretty amazing miracles just to give two people a short shot at love.
Whatever came at me in life, I just tried to give it my best and let God take care of the rest. I assumed my best was all God could or would ever want.
I was okay with that arrangement. I'd do my best at everything and God would take care of the rest. It helped, of course, that the answer or result of such things came fairly quickly. There was no waiting for weeks or months or even years on end for Him to act or decide. He gave me enough patience to wait for everything else.
All during this time, I was waiting for love. I just assumed it was out there, somewhere, in the form of the right woman and that I would meet her at the right time and from that point on we would both love each other the best we could and we'd let God take care of the rest. I had no reason to doubt this would happen.
Life is never that simple, nor that easy.
God brought love into my life and just as quickly took it away. I'm still trying to figure out why. Was it something I did? Didn't do? Was it just the wrong time? Or is there some other reason why this didn't work out? Or is this simply a delay in the final decision? I still don't know and the not knowing has shaken my trust in God.
You see, it took a series of miracles just to bring the two of us together. It took even more miracles to open us up to each other. And the final miracle -- love itself -- seemed to convince me that this was ordained to happen by Him (or Her, if you prefer). So when it all fell apart, I was left wondering what was the point. Why perform all of these miracles in the lives of two people just to separate them? That just doesn't make much sense to me.
I've been mentally wrestling with this quandary ever since she walked out of my life. The part of me that recognizes the miracles feels the need to step in and do something to get her back. The more logical side of me sees the folly in that since such actions most certainly would only serve to push her further away.
What this calls for is trust. I have to trust in God as I have never trusted before. That's because the answer, if one indeed is ever coming, is not bound to arrive anytime soon. No, this is going to take a long time if it is ever to happen. I have to put my trust in Him and go on with my meager existence (I cannot in good conscience call anything without her in it a "life"), hoping one day He will reveal His plans to me.
I realize we each have free will and that maybe this is her expression of that ability, rejecting me and us. But this, then, is my exercise of free will. I choose to trust in God and to wait, as long as it takes, to see if maybe time will bring her back to me. If not, then too bad for me. If not, then God wasted some pretty amazing miracles just to give two people a short shot at love.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
LOVE CAN'T BE FORCED
Love, I believe, is something we all seek.
Some of us search for it in money, believing a lot that will bring us a lot of love. Some of us search for it in sex, thinking if we give that away enough, sooner of later someone who receives it will love us. Some of us search for it in education, thinking if we were only smart enough, someone surely will love us. Some of us search for it in beauty, thinking that if we are just perfectly beautiful, then someone will love us.
Others become so disenchanted that they abandon the search completely for an antidote of alcohol and drugs to numb the unending ache. Others become so afraid of the risks that love demands that they cower in a shell of their own making, too fearful to even stick their heads out to see if the sun of love might shine on them.
And yet others, so unsure of what love is, grab the first thing resembling love and marry it, only to realize all too late that what they have is not love at all, but just a big mistake.
Much as we want and much as we try, one thing we simply cannot do is make someone love us or make ourselves love someone. It would be akin to making the sun rise at midnight or turn the ocean into a parched desert. We cannot change that which is out of our control, and those whom we love and whom love us is not within our power. It is beyond us and yet part of us. It is within us and within others and yet more than the sum of any two people in love.
We may love someone who, for reasons we cannot understand, either cannot or will not love us back. Or maybe they are too afraid to risk everything for love, preferring the safety of that shell. Oh, we can prod them and poke at them and even try to entice them to leave the safety of that shell. That may work, briefly, until their fears overwhelm them or they sense that pain and hurt are just around the corner.
But wouldn't it be so much better if they chose, of their own free will and when they were ready, to come out of that same shell and greet you, lovingly, the way you want it to be? Is not far better for them to realize love is something they want too and that they are now ready to take the risk? And if they cannot shake their fears, cannot find the courage to leave the safety of their shell -- a shell of their own making -- is it not better to continue to love and wait and hope, rather than to prod, poke and pester? Would you rather this person, in time, to remember you as someone who never stopped loving them or to always think of you as the person who simply would not leave them be? Would you rather be hated in the long term or loved forever?
You decide.
But you cannot make them love you, not until they and their heart are ready. So either be patient and hope they eventually will see you for who you are or be a pest and then they truly will hate you for what they think you are.
Some of us search for it in money, believing a lot that will bring us a lot of love. Some of us search for it in sex, thinking if we give that away enough, sooner of later someone who receives it will love us. Some of us search for it in education, thinking if we were only smart enough, someone surely will love us. Some of us search for it in beauty, thinking that if we are just perfectly beautiful, then someone will love us.
Others become so disenchanted that they abandon the search completely for an antidote of alcohol and drugs to numb the unending ache. Others become so afraid of the risks that love demands that they cower in a shell of their own making, too fearful to even stick their heads out to see if the sun of love might shine on them.
And yet others, so unsure of what love is, grab the first thing resembling love and marry it, only to realize all too late that what they have is not love at all, but just a big mistake.
Much as we want and much as we try, one thing we simply cannot do is make someone love us or make ourselves love someone. It would be akin to making the sun rise at midnight or turn the ocean into a parched desert. We cannot change that which is out of our control, and those whom we love and whom love us is not within our power. It is beyond us and yet part of us. It is within us and within others and yet more than the sum of any two people in love.
We may love someone who, for reasons we cannot understand, either cannot or will not love us back. Or maybe they are too afraid to risk everything for love, preferring the safety of that shell. Oh, we can prod them and poke at them and even try to entice them to leave the safety of that shell. That may work, briefly, until their fears overwhelm them or they sense that pain and hurt are just around the corner.
But wouldn't it be so much better if they chose, of their own free will and when they were ready, to come out of that same shell and greet you, lovingly, the way you want it to be? Is not far better for them to realize love is something they want too and that they are now ready to take the risk? And if they cannot shake their fears, cannot find the courage to leave the safety of their shell -- a shell of their own making -- is it not better to continue to love and wait and hope, rather than to prod, poke and pester? Would you rather this person, in time, to remember you as someone who never stopped loving them or to always think of you as the person who simply would not leave them be? Would you rather be hated in the long term or loved forever?
You decide.
But you cannot make them love you, not until they and their heart are ready. So either be patient and hope they eventually will see you for who you are or be a pest and then they truly will hate you for what they think you are.
Friday, February 24, 2012
LOVE IS THE CURRENCY WE SPEND
Once, on a trip to Maine, I tried lobster. After all, "when in Rome, ..." And since people pay such a high dollar nearly everywhere else for this delicacy, I figured I might as well partake of it in the state where so many are caught.
I didn't like it. I found it rubbery and tasteless, kind of like a flavorless chewing gum.
You may well like lobster and, if you do, then all the more for you. I just won't be ordering it anytime in the foreseeable future.
On the other hand, I tried gyros while at a Greek restaurant in Toronto and loved them. I just have to figure out if I can find a similar eatery near my home and also determine if I can fix this tasty dish at home.
How I feel about those two foods are often the way we feel about people. Right or wrong, there are people whom we can take or leave, preferring to leave. And there are people we just love, no matter what.
Do not misunderstand me, the former group is not made up of people we hate or abhor, for those emotions are far too similar to love in that they are passions stirred up. No, the former group is filled with those people for whom we have no strong feelings at all -- not love nor hate, like nor dislike; more indifference than anything else.
My father once spoke about his time in the military and said he learned one thing about life from it. When he walked into the barracks for the first time, he said, he realized there were about five or six guys he liked right away and about five or six he didn't like right away. The rest were, as he said, "in the middle." And when boot camp was over, he said, a few of the "liked" five or six had moved to the "disliked" five or six and vice versa. But no one had left the middle.
The challenge in life, sometimes, is in doing something caring and loving for any of those people for whom we have no strong interest. If you don't love someone, it can be very difficult to want to do them any favors, especially if it means going well out of your way. If you don't like them, chances are they will never ask anything of you. Ironically, a person for whom you really have no interest at all, about whom you have no strong feelings, can land on your "disliked" list if they ask too much of you too often. What bothers you isn't the person, so much as their uncanny ability to constantly ask for things or services. They may just be trying to constantly get your attention in a cloying and demanding way without being able to accept that they simply are not on your personal radar.
On the other hand, a person you love can ask for anything and you will do everything in your power to get it for them, no matter how difficult or demanding the request. Even if they ask you to never speak to them again, you may try to talk them out of it but you will do your best to honor that request, despite the personal pain you feel, all because of the love you have for them.
Love, in the end, makes all of the difference in our personal relationships. Giving to the ones we love is easy, even when it is not. Giving to someone we don't care about at all can be trying and difficult, largely because we do not love them. For it is love that we give when we do for others and it is hard to give love to someone for whom we don't feel any love. Love is the currency we spend and we spend it best with those we love.
I didn't like it. I found it rubbery and tasteless, kind of like a flavorless chewing gum.
You may well like lobster and, if you do, then all the more for you. I just won't be ordering it anytime in the foreseeable future.
On the other hand, I tried gyros while at a Greek restaurant in Toronto and loved them. I just have to figure out if I can find a similar eatery near my home and also determine if I can fix this tasty dish at home.
How I feel about those two foods are often the way we feel about people. Right or wrong, there are people whom we can take or leave, preferring to leave. And there are people we just love, no matter what.
Do not misunderstand me, the former group is not made up of people we hate or abhor, for those emotions are far too similar to love in that they are passions stirred up. No, the former group is filled with those people for whom we have no strong feelings at all -- not love nor hate, like nor dislike; more indifference than anything else.
My father once spoke about his time in the military and said he learned one thing about life from it. When he walked into the barracks for the first time, he said, he realized there were about five or six guys he liked right away and about five or six he didn't like right away. The rest were, as he said, "in the middle." And when boot camp was over, he said, a few of the "liked" five or six had moved to the "disliked" five or six and vice versa. But no one had left the middle.
The challenge in life, sometimes, is in doing something caring and loving for any of those people for whom we have no strong interest. If you don't love someone, it can be very difficult to want to do them any favors, especially if it means going well out of your way. If you don't like them, chances are they will never ask anything of you. Ironically, a person for whom you really have no interest at all, about whom you have no strong feelings, can land on your "disliked" list if they ask too much of you too often. What bothers you isn't the person, so much as their uncanny ability to constantly ask for things or services. They may just be trying to constantly get your attention in a cloying and demanding way without being able to accept that they simply are not on your personal radar.
On the other hand, a person you love can ask for anything and you will do everything in your power to get it for them, no matter how difficult or demanding the request. Even if they ask you to never speak to them again, you may try to talk them out of it but you will do your best to honor that request, despite the personal pain you feel, all because of the love you have for them.
Love, in the end, makes all of the difference in our personal relationships. Giving to the ones we love is easy, even when it is not. Giving to someone we don't care about at all can be trying and difficult, largely because we do not love them. For it is love that we give when we do for others and it is hard to give love to someone for whom we don't feel any love. Love is the currency we spend and we spend it best with those we love.
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