THE RIGHT MEASUREMENT

When I was younger, life was all about proving myself worthy.
Worthy as a son.
Worthy as a man.
Worthy as an employee.
Worthy as a person.
I pinned this "worth" on intangible things: a pat on the back, a hug, an award, a welcoming smile, a faster mile. Things that did not last and could not be captured.
Because they did not last, I was constantly striving for another, and another, and another, even though each one proved less fulfilling than the previous.
Still, I could not turn to more concrete achievements, such as money and items of outward wealth because they held no appeal to me. I knew, deep down, that they do not measure a person's merit or worth.
In time, with a wisdom that eluded me before, I realized only one thing could truly measure a person's worth, or at least was the lone measure of mine: love. Who I loved, how I loved them and whether and/or how they loved me in return.
And in that area I found myself unable to measure up. I found myself wanting: wanting to be better, wanting to love better, wanting to love more unconditionally, wanting to love more completely.
I applied myself to this shortcoming as I had others: I worked hard at it. Hard work, however, yielded no results. In fact, it seemed the harder I tried, the worse I was at this thing called love. Then, one day, a special, wonderful, amazing woman walked into my life. And suddenly love was not work, took no effort, was so easy I had to ask myself if this was even really happening. But no amount of pinching could change the fact that she was real and the love I felt for her was real.
Then, as quickly and easily as she and love had arrived, they both were gone. And I was left with the harsh reality that nothing I could muster -- not effort, not hard work, not determination -- could bring her or love back. They are gone and I have to live in their wake.
Knowing I loved and still love her the best I could.
Knowing I will love her for the rest of my life.
Knowing I will never love like that again.
Knowing I have loved at least this once in my life.
That is the only measurement that matters.