WHEN WE MEET AGAIN

We both had to attend the event so we knew we would see each other.
And yet never before have I felt so uncertain of how to act with her, around her, near her. Was I to be friendly? Stand-offish? Pretend I don't know her at all? Or act in some other way entirely?
She and I had gone from a relationship of open, frank and honest communication, all of it wrapped in a gentleness and kindness the likes of which I have never before known and never will again, to complete and utter isolation. Where we once knew what each other was thinking and feeling, even when simply talking online, now neither of us could read the other.
So when I saw her, checking in at the event, I did not know how to act. She waved, but was it to me or to the person who was helping her find her nametag? The last time I'd seen her, from a slight distance, she'd appeared to be angry at the sight of me, so I could only assume she would not be thrilled to see me at this event, even though I was fairly certain my presence was no surprise to her.
By the time the event was over, things were not clearer but more confused. There was no time to talk alone, even for a minute, to shed even a sliver of light on what was, or was not, going on between us or how either of us was to act if and when any similar meetings occur in the future.
Since that time, some months ago now, I cannot help but recognize just how easily interpersonal relationships can get twisted and screwed up by misread signals and miscommunication.
I used to think that such things were beyond us, that we had established such a solid foundation of communication and trust and honesty that we'd never be the victims of mixed signals. And maybe, if we had kept those lines of communication open and the information freely flowing between us, that would be true. At the same time, though, I also thought we knew each other so well that we'd always feel deeply in touch and that we'd always be able to read each other's faces, minds and hearts, even from across a crowded ballroom.
But, as with so many relationship issues, I was so terribly wrong.
First of all, in times of interminable silence, the heart and mind fill in the gaps. What gets tossed into those gaping holes tends to be all the worries, fears, anxieties and doubts we've ever had, along with some nightmares and a few really bad ideas. And the only thing that can really dispel this darkness of the heart and soul is the light of communication and sharing. Without that, all manner of horrible thoughts creep in so that, when finally face-to-face again, even the smallest gesture, or the hint of a gesture, is subjected to intense scrutiny and examination until it is deemed to be the proof of something hideously horrible. In no time at all, people who once deeply and profoundly trusted and cared for each other are more wary and frightened than two longtime combatants.
Secondly, we need to realize, when placed in such situations, that neither of us is acting like we would, or could, if we were simply alone with this other person. No, there are other people around and so neither of us is being ourselves anyway. But where we would have linked arms and attacked the task of being at this event as a team before, we now face the event alone and each other alone, but in this stifling crowd. So unless we can fashion a moment of privacy to speak to each other, it is going to be a strain on both of us and no one is themselves when under such stress. So we should not read too much, if anything, into our behavior in such situations. Wait, instead, for a time alone to talk. Or simply wash what happens at such events from your memory completely, because it was not real or honest.
Finally, we both need to realize we cannot assume, as we once did, that the other person knows what we are thinking and feeling. The lines of communication once between us have been frayed so that, at best, only partial thoughts, feelings, emotions and ideas are getting through. She can no longer look at my face and see my every thought and feeling on it. And I cannot look into her eyes and know what she is thinking at this very moment. Maybe some day we can rebuild those lines. But we should never assume they still are feeding us correct and clear information until then.
It is very hard to go from being so intimately connected to being isolated and cut off from each other. It is even harder then to find yourselves thrust together in an uncomfortable and unfriendly setting where communication remains strained and difficult, and most certainly not intimate and honest.
So try to keep your mind from thinking the worst of her and may she not think the worst of you.
At least until you both can speak easily and freely to each other, face to face.