KNOWN VS. UNKNOWN

The father spoke, saying how this winter had been better than the last. Last year he and his wife suffered as they watched their teenage son suffer with an unknown ailment. He had trouble eating and, as an athlete, nourishment is crucial.
This winter, he said, is better because while there is no known cure for what his son has, at least they all know what troubles him. And that makes it tolerable and, for the son, endurable. Because there are measures he can take to minimize the problem.
There are times when the unknown is frightening. In a dark, unfamiliar house. In a strange city after dark. When encountering someone new. When starting a new job. When lost and disoriented.
But there are other times when the unknown is better than the known. At least in some ways.
I have spent years searching for love. I always hoped it was out there, hoped that somewhere along the way I had not missed it through sheer stupidity or naivete. But I did not know whether I'd find it, if it even was out there for me, or if I would recognize it if, indeed, fate and God brought it to me.
Nor did I know what truly and completely loving someone was like.
But then love came into my life, beautifully and amazingly. And I now know just how utterly life-changing that experience is. While I never would surrender a moment with the woman I love for anything this world has to offer, I also know now what I was missing. And, because she has since left my life, I also live daily with the knowledge of what love feels like, how it transforms us in immutable ways and how you cannot erase the permanent change to your heart.
For now I not only know there is a woman out in this world whom I love more than life itself, but I also know that I must live out the rest of my days without her, that I must replace that sense of the unknown with the certainty of the known and the lost. I now know that love is out there, in the world. I know where that love lives and what she looks like, how she thinks, who she really is. And that information is utterly mine and utterly useless because she no longer wants to be in my life or be with me.
They say it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I would not disagree with that, since I truly believe love is the most precious and important gift we can give or receive. But I also know, from years of experience, that sometimes it is better to not be sure that love, for you, is out there at all. Because once you know, and once you love, there is no forgetting. And no going back.