Growing up, I was afraid to look a beautiful woman in the eyes. I still am, actually.
Part of me is afraid I will look in her eyes and see her laughing at what she sees. Another part of me is afraid I will look in her eyes and realize she doesn't even see me.
I don't know where that fear comes from. It has no basis in fact or reality, nor can I say looking into a beautiful woman's eyes is dangerous, for me or any other man. I've been so afraid to do it, so I can't say this fear is based on some lived-out experience. I can say that when I was younger I often did see disgust and disbelief on the face of a pretty woman when I asked her out on a date.
But then that is the problem with fear, isn't it? It usually has no basis in experience or reality. What is prejudice but a form of fear? And yet most prejudiced people I know have had no real-life experience with those they fear. If they did, then maybe I could understand the fear.
When I was in high school, I got mugged in the park by a group of Hispanic teens. That experience could have prejudiced me against Hispanics or given me an overgrown fear of them. But it did not. I do not know why it did not, it just didn't.
So where do our fears come from? Why, for example, might a woman fear men as much as I fear looking into the eyes of a beautiful woman? She has good reason for her fear, having been abandoned by an abusive father and then disrespected and abused by so many men since then, including a controlling and overbearing spouse. And yet her fear of men may well have driven into just such a relationship because she was afraid to open up to a man, to be vulnerable to a man, to truly love a man.
So what can we do to keep our fears from ruling our lives and keeping us from those who truly love us?
Sometimes it takes just one person to break through the walls of fear and give love a chance. Sometimes it takes just one moment of courage to stand up to a fear and, in doing so, diminish it in the light of a new day.
Sometimes it just takes a single, brave individual to make a life-altering change, to reach away from fear and toward love, to put fear in its place.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Saturday, November 17, 2012
A LONELY ROAD
At some point in life, you realize the road ahead is shorter than the pavement already covered. You don't know how much shorter, just that it must be.
At that point, life takes on a different shape and meaning. You realize it has far less to do with things and achievements and more about sharing what little time is left with the people or person who is/are most important to you. Oh, you still may put in long hours in order to keep your job, to earn a raise or to simply shorten the time to retirement, but it is far less about some grand goal to become, say, president of the company and more about staving off the rumors that you've lost a step or that you are just coasting to retirement. Or it may just be necessary in these days of management squeezing every last second of productivity out of the workforce, sometimes just before laying them all off and sending the work to some far-off foreign land.
But you aren't doing it with your eyes on some mountaintop goal, some high accomplishment. In fact, you can't wait to get out of there and get back to the one(s) you love.
For some of us, however, that also is not achievable, because the one we love is not there. And that leaves these years, and that road that stretches out before us, just one long and lonely highway, devoid of any sights worth seeing or experiences worth having. Because by this time, we've learned that very little in life is worth a thing if you cannot share it with the one(s) you love. All it does is leave you one step beyond that pathetic co-worker who always comes to work and tells you, in agonizing detail, about his/her weekend, as if you were their very best friend in all of the world. Because, at least for them, you are. In fact, you probably are their only friend in all of the world, or at least the only person willing to listen to their incessant babbling.
You can't pour yourself into your work for that is a hollow, bottomless pit. And you have no reason to go home, for that, too, is an empty, hollow shell. All that is left for you is to be that loner, that person for whom company is rare, the one who must find solace, comfort and companionship with themselves. And accept that this is your lot in life for the years and, if you are unlucky, decades to come.
You can take some solace in this one fact: At least the road ahead is going to be shorter than the solitary, sad road you've already traveled.
At that point, life takes on a different shape and meaning. You realize it has far less to do with things and achievements and more about sharing what little time is left with the people or person who is/are most important to you. Oh, you still may put in long hours in order to keep your job, to earn a raise or to simply shorten the time to retirement, but it is far less about some grand goal to become, say, president of the company and more about staving off the rumors that you've lost a step or that you are just coasting to retirement. Or it may just be necessary in these days of management squeezing every last second of productivity out of the workforce, sometimes just before laying them all off and sending the work to some far-off foreign land.
But you aren't doing it with your eyes on some mountaintop goal, some high accomplishment. In fact, you can't wait to get out of there and get back to the one(s) you love.
For some of us, however, that also is not achievable, because the one we love is not there. And that leaves these years, and that road that stretches out before us, just one long and lonely highway, devoid of any sights worth seeing or experiences worth having. Because by this time, we've learned that very little in life is worth a thing if you cannot share it with the one(s) you love. All it does is leave you one step beyond that pathetic co-worker who always comes to work and tells you, in agonizing detail, about his/her weekend, as if you were their very best friend in all of the world. Because, at least for them, you are. In fact, you probably are their only friend in all of the world, or at least the only person willing to listen to their incessant babbling.
You can't pour yourself into your work for that is a hollow, bottomless pit. And you have no reason to go home, for that, too, is an empty, hollow shell. All that is left for you is to be that loner, that person for whom company is rare, the one who must find solace, comfort and companionship with themselves. And accept that this is your lot in life for the years and, if you are unlucky, decades to come.
You can take some solace in this one fact: At least the road ahead is going to be shorter than the solitary, sad road you've already traveled.
Friday, November 9, 2012
DON'T LOVE ALONE
There are things you must do alone.
We are alone, more or less, when we are born. We are alone when we die. We are alone when we start school. We are alone when we step out into the working world.
Then there are things we choose to do alone. Some run alone. Others read alone. Many write alone. Some live alone, by choice. I like to bike alone, to work out alone, to think on my own, alone.
Some things, however, cannot be done alone. The greatest of these is love. You cannot love alone. You might think you can, that you can love someone who does not love you back, that you can have this relationship where one person loves and the other does not, but time will prove that this simply does not and cannot work.
It takes two to tango and two to love. Yes, you each may have, from time to time, varying depth and strength of love, the love may be more unconditional for one than for the other, or may be more accepting and forgiving with one than with another, but you both must love for the relationship to have any hope, any future. If just one of you loves, then this is going nowhere.
This means risking love by admitting your love to someone, by putting yourself out there, taking a chance on love, with the real possibility that you will be doing this alone and, therefore, be ultimately rejected.
In which case you will, once again, be alone. But you won't truly be in love anymore, because you'll know that what you felt was something else, something different. Because for there to be love, it must be shared and reciprocated.
So when you love, love with all your heart, but make sure you are loved in return.
We are alone, more or less, when we are born. We are alone when we die. We are alone when we start school. We are alone when we step out into the working world.
Then there are things we choose to do alone. Some run alone. Others read alone. Many write alone. Some live alone, by choice. I like to bike alone, to work out alone, to think on my own, alone.
Some things, however, cannot be done alone. The greatest of these is love. You cannot love alone. You might think you can, that you can love someone who does not love you back, that you can have this relationship where one person loves and the other does not, but time will prove that this simply does not and cannot work.
It takes two to tango and two to love. Yes, you each may have, from time to time, varying depth and strength of love, the love may be more unconditional for one than for the other, or may be more accepting and forgiving with one than with another, but you both must love for the relationship to have any hope, any future. If just one of you loves, then this is going nowhere.
This means risking love by admitting your love to someone, by putting yourself out there, taking a chance on love, with the real possibility that you will be doing this alone and, therefore, be ultimately rejected.
In which case you will, once again, be alone. But you won't truly be in love anymore, because you'll know that what you felt was something else, something different. Because for there to be love, it must be shared and reciprocated.
So when you love, love with all your heart, but make sure you are loved in return.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
TIME IS A WAVE
When I was younger I knew a lot more. Really. I did.
I knew what I wanted. I knew that I'd eventually find it. I knew I had a future. I knew I was ready for it. I knew my heart. I knew my mind. I knew there was a place for me in this world. And I'd know it when I found it.
Then time passed and my knowledge slowly evaporated. Until today, I know nothing. Or at least very little.
Oh, I know what I still want. I want to love and be loved. I no longer have to find it. I just have to figure out how to live without it and the woman who embodies it. I'm no longer certain there is a future for me. No am I ready for one if it does come along. I no longer know my own heart, since it resides in the woman who no longer seems to want it. As for a place in this world, increasingly there is none for me because time, it seems, has passed me by, like the breeze blows over the dandelion, leaving it shorn.
I used to think of time as a line, leading from here to there. It may not be a straight line, but it would lead from point to point to point, until, in time, it would take me where I was supposed to go.
Now I think of time as a tide. It rolls in, it rolls out. And only when it is at the right spot, when it has reached the farthest point, can you jump off and move onto another wave. Hesitate and you'll miss that chance and be stuck for a while, if not forever, on your present-day wave. Like it or not.
I had the chance to jump off and join the woman I love on a wave we would share. But she hesitated and so I hesitated and suddenly, stunningly, she was gone, carried away from me as her wave went one direction and mine in another. Never, I fear, to be carried to within our shared reach any time in the future.
Time, I once thought, was supposed to instill in us some wisdom, some knowledge that we would and could share with others. All time has taught me is that the longer I live, the less I really know. Instead, those waves of time seem to have eroded the knowledge I once had, leaving my mind and heart smoother and emptier than ever before.
And waiting, hoping, for her wave to return to this shore.
I knew what I wanted. I knew that I'd eventually find it. I knew I had a future. I knew I was ready for it. I knew my heart. I knew my mind. I knew there was a place for me in this world. And I'd know it when I found it.
Then time passed and my knowledge slowly evaporated. Until today, I know nothing. Or at least very little.
Oh, I know what I still want. I want to love and be loved. I no longer have to find it. I just have to figure out how to live without it and the woman who embodies it. I'm no longer certain there is a future for me. No am I ready for one if it does come along. I no longer know my own heart, since it resides in the woman who no longer seems to want it. As for a place in this world, increasingly there is none for me because time, it seems, has passed me by, like the breeze blows over the dandelion, leaving it shorn.
I used to think of time as a line, leading from here to there. It may not be a straight line, but it would lead from point to point to point, until, in time, it would take me where I was supposed to go.
Now I think of time as a tide. It rolls in, it rolls out. And only when it is at the right spot, when it has reached the farthest point, can you jump off and move onto another wave. Hesitate and you'll miss that chance and be stuck for a while, if not forever, on your present-day wave. Like it or not.
I had the chance to jump off and join the woman I love on a wave we would share. But she hesitated and so I hesitated and suddenly, stunningly, she was gone, carried away from me as her wave went one direction and mine in another. Never, I fear, to be carried to within our shared reach any time in the future.
Time, I once thought, was supposed to instill in us some wisdom, some knowledge that we would and could share with others. All time has taught me is that the longer I live, the less I really know. Instead, those waves of time seem to have eroded the knowledge I once had, leaving my mind and heart smoother and emptier than ever before.
And waiting, hoping, for her wave to return to this shore.
Friday, October 19, 2012
SWING FOR THE FENCES
As I approach yet another birthday, I again come to grips with the inevitable passing of time. And the aging that comes along with it. Nothing I can do will stop time from passing. Nothing I can buy or own or do will stop my body from aging.
Let's face it, we're all just heading for death, a day at a time.And there is absolutely nothing we can do to prevent it.
Now that I have completely depressed you, let me just add one more thing: So go out there and love the one you love with all that you have, all that you are, all that you ever will be. If he or she does not want or accept your love, at least you can die knowing that you gave it everything you had -- heart, soul, mind and body. After all, it does absolutely no good to hold something back for "later," especially if "later" never comes around.
And yet I know that while anyone out there reading this is probably shaking their head yes, most of us will soon fall right back into our old habits of keeping some part of us -- our love, our energy, our thoughts, our passions -- in reserve, in hiding, to ourselves. Because we are so much like the kids playing Little League baseball: We're afraid to swing hard, to swing for the fences because we might miss. And that would be just too embarrassing.
Well, I say: Be embarrassing. Be daring. Give it your all. Put it all out there. Gamble everything on love. Yes, you might lose. Yes, the one you love might just spurn your love, laugh in your face, turn away, reject you. But the alternative is to spend the rest of your life wondering, like that kid in Little League, what would have happened if, just once, you'd swung with all your might.
Let's face it, we're all just heading for death, a day at a time.And there is absolutely nothing we can do to prevent it.
Now that I have completely depressed you, let me just add one more thing: So go out there and love the one you love with all that you have, all that you are, all that you ever will be. If he or she does not want or accept your love, at least you can die knowing that you gave it everything you had -- heart, soul, mind and body. After all, it does absolutely no good to hold something back for "later," especially if "later" never comes around.
And yet I know that while anyone out there reading this is probably shaking their head yes, most of us will soon fall right back into our old habits of keeping some part of us -- our love, our energy, our thoughts, our passions -- in reserve, in hiding, to ourselves. Because we are so much like the kids playing Little League baseball: We're afraid to swing hard, to swing for the fences because we might miss. And that would be just too embarrassing.
Well, I say: Be embarrassing. Be daring. Give it your all. Put it all out there. Gamble everything on love. Yes, you might lose. Yes, the one you love might just spurn your love, laugh in your face, turn away, reject you. But the alternative is to spend the rest of your life wondering, like that kid in Little League, what would have happened if, just once, you'd swung with all your might.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
NOT FOR ADULTS?
For some time now, I have believed that love, like so much else, is wasted on the young.
After all, who among us was wise enough at a young age to realize just how important and precious love is? And how many among us have, for reasons known only to the foolish young, spurned the great love of our lives, only to spend the rest of our lives hoping it will come back around to us once more?
More than a few, I am sure.
I am reconsidering that idea, however. Because while love may well visit us when we are older and wiser, that does not mean we will place as much importance or worth on love. In fact, age and experience may well make us even greater fools than our younger selves.
Because we may well forgo love for other, much less important things, such as security, peace (as in lack of temporary turmoil), harmony, even some adult form of peer pressure (as in "What will everyone think? That I'm some horny old (wo)man?"). Or we may just pass on having love because we think, well, that we're just too old for such nonsense.
Maybe only the young are able to risk it all for love. Maybe only they are able, in that youthful exuberance that believes anything is possible, to think love will make everything work out, that love can and will solve any and all problems that come along.
And maybe we, older adults, having lived through relationships that did not include love, simply don't want to endure the endless numbers of frogs we have to meet in order to find that one, singular prince(ss) who is out there, waiting for us. If, indeed, he/she is still out there at all.
Maybe love is not wasted on the young, but is a waste on those of us not so young anymore. For while the young may not realize that love doesn't just come around every day, if they truly do love someone at least they probably won't be afraid of giving it a shot. Lord knows, some of us "adults" certainly are. Some of us are more afraid of love than of a life lived without it.
And that, my friends, is truly a tragedy.
After all, who among us was wise enough at a young age to realize just how important and precious love is? And how many among us have, for reasons known only to the foolish young, spurned the great love of our lives, only to spend the rest of our lives hoping it will come back around to us once more?
More than a few, I am sure.
I am reconsidering that idea, however. Because while love may well visit us when we are older and wiser, that does not mean we will place as much importance or worth on love. In fact, age and experience may well make us even greater fools than our younger selves.
Because we may well forgo love for other, much less important things, such as security, peace (as in lack of temporary turmoil), harmony, even some adult form of peer pressure (as in "What will everyone think? That I'm some horny old (wo)man?"). Or we may just pass on having love because we think, well, that we're just too old for such nonsense.
Maybe only the young are able to risk it all for love. Maybe only they are able, in that youthful exuberance that believes anything is possible, to think love will make everything work out, that love can and will solve any and all problems that come along.
And maybe we, older adults, having lived through relationships that did not include love, simply don't want to endure the endless numbers of frogs we have to meet in order to find that one, singular prince(ss) who is out there, waiting for us. If, indeed, he/she is still out there at all.
Maybe love is not wasted on the young, but is a waste on those of us not so young anymore. For while the young may not realize that love doesn't just come around every day, if they truly do love someone at least they probably won't be afraid of giving it a shot. Lord knows, some of us "adults" certainly are. Some of us are more afraid of love than of a life lived without it.
And that, my friends, is truly a tragedy.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
CHOOSE LOVE
If you awoke tomorrow and were told, in no uncertain terms, that you could go on living for another 50 years, but without love in your life, or you could have the love of your life but for only a brief period before you died, which would you choose?
None of us, of course, really gets that decision. None of us gets to know how long she or he has on this planet. We live out our days as if they go on forever even though we know, in our minds, that our time on the earth is finite. But how different would our choices and decisions be if we acknowledged that our time was, indeed, short?
Especially our decisions about love.
So often we put off love, ignore love or just consider it something we'll get around to one of these days. Or we spend our lives searching for some ideal love and miss out on the real love that is right in front of us. Then again, sometimes we find the love of our lives only to lose him or her because this other person is not ready, too afraid or simply not willing to risk everything for the possibility of a life filled with the love they honestly and earnestly seek.
You can make a lot of money, you can become an international success, or you can truly love someone. Which do you think is the greatest accomplishment?
You don't have to take my word for it, but I'll choose love.
Every time.
None of us, of course, really gets that decision. None of us gets to know how long she or he has on this planet. We live out our days as if they go on forever even though we know, in our minds, that our time on the earth is finite. But how different would our choices and decisions be if we acknowledged that our time was, indeed, short?
Especially our decisions about love.
So often we put off love, ignore love or just consider it something we'll get around to one of these days. Or we spend our lives searching for some ideal love and miss out on the real love that is right in front of us. Then again, sometimes we find the love of our lives only to lose him or her because this other person is not ready, too afraid or simply not willing to risk everything for the possibility of a life filled with the love they honestly and earnestly seek.
You can make a lot of money, you can become an international success, or you can truly love someone. Which do you think is the greatest accomplishment?
You don't have to take my word for it, but I'll choose love.
Every time.
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