As a kid, I always admired the men in books, movies and TV shows who would do the right and noble thing, even if it was the exact opposite of what they wanted. They made sacrifice look good. And, unfortunately, they also tended to make it look easy.
So I grew up believing I could make that same sacrifice and do the noble and right thing if and when the time came. And there were times when I did, in small things and in small ways. And while it was harder than fiction had made it appear, I still handled it, thinking that the noble and right thing was not all that hard. Why didn't everyone act this way?
Then along came love. Not just "love," but "L-O-V-E-!" The love of my life, the end of a lifetime of searching, the one person around whom revolves my whole life and whole reason for living. It was then, and now, that I learned and am learning just how painful and difficult it is to do this right and noble thing, to put the needs and wants of the one I love ahead of anything I may desire. In my mind I know this is the right thing to do, but my heart hurts at the choice I must make and live with (although I would hardly call this living). In my mind I know I can do this because it is for her good and her good comes first, but in my heart I just want what I want, to love her and be with her and spend every moment of the rest of my life with her.
Instead I have had to let her walk way and only wait and hope that time, and God, will somehow bring us back together. And if that doesn't happen, then live out the rest of my days in misery, knowing only that I at least had some small period of time with the love of my life.
I am not giving up on her, or on the "us" that once existed. I am not quitting. I am doing what she asked of me, doing what she said she needs of me, because I still love her.
I am trying to do the right and noble thing, as hard and painful as that is. What I am learning is that it is one thing to choose the right and noble thing, but that is just the first step. The hardest part is living with your decision.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Thursday, July 19, 2012
THIS IS TRUE
The king called all of his wisest men to the castle. As they stood before him, he gave them this charge: Find me one sentence that is true at all times.
Of course, this seemed an impossible task. Nothing, they thought, is true for all people, let alone true at all times. They spent days in deep thought and contemplation, pondering their dilemma. Exasperated, tired and out of ideas, they finally decided to go to the king and admit failure, uncertain what his reaction would be.
Then the oldest and wisest of their number raised a hand and told them to wait, for he had the answer. But he would not say what it was. Instead, he insisted they all approach the king together the following day.
When they did the king, clearly frustrated at the time they had spent thinking and he'd spent waiting, demanded an answer. The rest cowered as the king bellowed, but not the oldest and wisest. He simply waited for the king to calm down, then, bowing, said, "This, too, shall pass."
If life is good right now, remember that "this, too, shall pass." If life is very hard right now and you're at the end of your rope, just remember that "this, too, shall pass." Nothing, good or bad, endures forever. Everything changes eventually.
I think those wise men missed out on another statement that is true at nearly all times: "Love will find a way."
Love will find a way into your life. Love will find a way to change your life. Love will find a way into your heart. Love will find a way to hurt you. Love will find a way even when all else fails. Love will find a way, no matter how old or young you are. Love will find a way when things seem their most impossible.
Love will find way whether we want it to or not.
And love will find a way to leave us whether we want it to or not. Because, as the song writer once wrote, "love means watching someone die." To love someone is to watch them grow old and eventually leave this life, if they don't leave in other ways before then. Which is why, even though love will find a way, some people cannot accept or allow love into their lives and hearts. The love is there, waiting for them, ready to be with them, but they are too afraid to take the risk. They won't risk the pain of eventual loss for the reward of love, even if only for a brief while. For them there is no truth in the saying, "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."
For them, love will only find a way to hurt them. And that they cannot risk.
Which is the greatest tragedy. Because, given a chance, "love will find a way."
Of course, this seemed an impossible task. Nothing, they thought, is true for all people, let alone true at all times. They spent days in deep thought and contemplation, pondering their dilemma. Exasperated, tired and out of ideas, they finally decided to go to the king and admit failure, uncertain what his reaction would be.
Then the oldest and wisest of their number raised a hand and told them to wait, for he had the answer. But he would not say what it was. Instead, he insisted they all approach the king together the following day.
When they did the king, clearly frustrated at the time they had spent thinking and he'd spent waiting, demanded an answer. The rest cowered as the king bellowed, but not the oldest and wisest. He simply waited for the king to calm down, then, bowing, said, "This, too, shall pass."
If life is good right now, remember that "this, too, shall pass." If life is very hard right now and you're at the end of your rope, just remember that "this, too, shall pass." Nothing, good or bad, endures forever. Everything changes eventually.
I think those wise men missed out on another statement that is true at nearly all times: "Love will find a way."
Love will find a way into your life. Love will find a way to change your life. Love will find a way into your heart. Love will find a way to hurt you. Love will find a way even when all else fails. Love will find a way, no matter how old or young you are. Love will find a way when things seem their most impossible.
Love will find way whether we want it to or not.
And love will find a way to leave us whether we want it to or not. Because, as the song writer once wrote, "love means watching someone die." To love someone is to watch them grow old and eventually leave this life, if they don't leave in other ways before then. Which is why, even though love will find a way, some people cannot accept or allow love into their lives and hearts. The love is there, waiting for them, ready to be with them, but they are too afraid to take the risk. They won't risk the pain of eventual loss for the reward of love, even if only for a brief while. For them there is no truth in the saying, "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."
For them, love will only find a way to hurt them. And that they cannot risk.
Which is the greatest tragedy. Because, given a chance, "love will find a way."
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
INTRIGUING CREATURES
Women are God's most intriguing creatures. They are strong and yet fragile, beautiful and yet tough, the best of humanity and yet, sometimes, its worst. After all, what can be worst than a mother killing her own children? At the same time, what is better and more noble than the love most mothers have for all children, not just their own?
Women will always remain an unsolvable mystery to men. Much as quantum physics, they simply are beyond our comprehension. We can study them, watch them, listen to them, learn from them and yet we truly never will know them.
Which is why, I think, many women feel unfulfilled and lonely in their lives. Because not only do the men in their lives not understand them, those same men don't even try. Because we men, unfortunately, usually give up early in life even trying to grasp the meaning and purpose behind all manner of mysteries placed before us -- God, religion, science, the universe, the designated hitter, the knuckleball and, of course, women -- simply because they are beyond our feeble minds.
Worse yet, we tend to lump all women into that "unknowable" category, thereby cutting ourselves off from those whom we love as well as those we simply encounter in the world. And yet if we simply relaxed, listened and talked to the woman we love we might discover a level of understanding and comprehension heretofore unheard of in male-female relationships. We will never truly know her, but we can know and understand her better with each passing day, if we only are open to the experience.
Of course, most of us are at the point now where, after years of neglect, we'd have to convince the woman we love that we are seriously interested in her and want to know her better in order to get her to open up to us. If we can convince her to share her heart, soul and mind with us, however, we are in for incredible enlightenment.
Not that we have any hope of truly understanding everything that makes a woman, well, a woman. Not even the greatest male minds -- Aristotle, Plato, Kafka, Einstein, Woody Allen -- have been able to grasp that ultimate mystery. But they, at least, welcomed the challenge.
Are you up to it?
Women will always remain an unsolvable mystery to men. Much as quantum physics, they simply are beyond our comprehension. We can study them, watch them, listen to them, learn from them and yet we truly never will know them.
Which is why, I think, many women feel unfulfilled and lonely in their lives. Because not only do the men in their lives not understand them, those same men don't even try. Because we men, unfortunately, usually give up early in life even trying to grasp the meaning and purpose behind all manner of mysteries placed before us -- God, religion, science, the universe, the designated hitter, the knuckleball and, of course, women -- simply because they are beyond our feeble minds.
Worse yet, we tend to lump all women into that "unknowable" category, thereby cutting ourselves off from those whom we love as well as those we simply encounter in the world. And yet if we simply relaxed, listened and talked to the woman we love we might discover a level of understanding and comprehension heretofore unheard of in male-female relationships. We will never truly know her, but we can know and understand her better with each passing day, if we only are open to the experience.
Of course, most of us are at the point now where, after years of neglect, we'd have to convince the woman we love that we are seriously interested in her and want to know her better in order to get her to open up to us. If we can convince her to share her heart, soul and mind with us, however, we are in for incredible enlightenment.
Not that we have any hope of truly understanding everything that makes a woman, well, a woman. Not even the greatest male minds -- Aristotle, Plato, Kafka, Einstein, Woody Allen -- have been able to grasp that ultimate mystery. But they, at least, welcomed the challenge.
Are you up to it?
Thursday, June 28, 2012
WE ALL WANT LOVE, BUT ...
Men probably won't admit it, but we want love too. Maybe it is because women are supposed to want love above all that men act as though love was not vitally important to them too. But it is. We want to love and be loved for who we are. We want an honest, shared relationship with a woman who we love with all of our hearts and who will love us the same. We want to completely share our lives with the love of our lives.
So if men and women both want the same thing, then what is the problem?
Well, the problems are as many as the stars in the sky. Because, well, people are different. They come at this relationship issue from different experiences and different lives and bring different concerns and worries, wants and needs to this human equation. So maybe she finds it hard to trust others because she's been burned one too many times by untrustworthy men. Maybe he's gun shy about commitment because he's made the commitment before, only to be abandoned by a woman who found something and someone better.
Or maybe the two people are attracted to each other, but simply not compatible. They don't fit and aren't meant for each other. So even though what they want is the same, they aren't talking to each other in the same love language. She may as well speak Greek to a German, for all the good it will do them.
Then again, maybe everything is right and they fit together like the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, they love each other, care for each other deeply, want to spend the rest of their lives together and share so many experiences, likes and dislikes, interests and passions, but something spooks her and she runs away.
It simply is not enough to both want love. It is not enough to care for each other.
Because we all say that we want to love and be loved. We watch romantic movies and cry over lost love, swearing we'd get it right if only we got the chance. We read romance novels and feel empathy with the couple that gets to begin a life together. And we wish we were them.
Until, that is, we get the chance. Then we choose safety and security over love. In fact, we'll opt for anything over love, given the choice, because choosing love is scary. It gives us the chills of fright. Better to live out a life without love than to take the chance. Better to stay put and wish and dream for love than to actually take the risk.
Yes, we all want love. But only when there is nothing to lose. And love is all about risking everything, putting it all on the line, to be with the one we love.
Risking that much, though, is just too much to ask. Isn't it?
So if men and women both want the same thing, then what is the problem?
Well, the problems are as many as the stars in the sky. Because, well, people are different. They come at this relationship issue from different experiences and different lives and bring different concerns and worries, wants and needs to this human equation. So maybe she finds it hard to trust others because she's been burned one too many times by untrustworthy men. Maybe he's gun shy about commitment because he's made the commitment before, only to be abandoned by a woman who found something and someone better.
Or maybe the two people are attracted to each other, but simply not compatible. They don't fit and aren't meant for each other. So even though what they want is the same, they aren't talking to each other in the same love language. She may as well speak Greek to a German, for all the good it will do them.
Then again, maybe everything is right and they fit together like the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, they love each other, care for each other deeply, want to spend the rest of their lives together and share so many experiences, likes and dislikes, interests and passions, but something spooks her and she runs away.
It simply is not enough to both want love. It is not enough to care for each other.
Because we all say that we want to love and be loved. We watch romantic movies and cry over lost love, swearing we'd get it right if only we got the chance. We read romance novels and feel empathy with the couple that gets to begin a life together. And we wish we were them.
Until, that is, we get the chance. Then we choose safety and security over love. In fact, we'll opt for anything over love, given the choice, because choosing love is scary. It gives us the chills of fright. Better to live out a life without love than to take the chance. Better to stay put and wish and dream for love than to actually take the risk.
Yes, we all want love. But only when there is nothing to lose. And love is all about risking everything, putting it all on the line, to be with the one we love.
Risking that much, though, is just too much to ask. Isn't it?
Thursday, May 24, 2012
WHAT LEGACY?
All of us are here for such a short time. We want to be shooting stars when mostly what we really are is dandelions. All we're really good for is a little "whine."
As we live out day after day, we ponder, if we take the time, our legacy. What will we leave behind when we go?
Some may think their children are their legacy. But that fails to consider that the children are trying to make their own way in this world and are worried about their legacy. They haven't time to be ours. Besides, do you think of the parents of the people you know whenever you see them? No, you think about whether you like that person or not and whether or not you want to spend any time in their presence. You may think kindly of them, or not, but the odds are neither you nor anyone else they know thanks God, or curses God for their parents.
Some may consider their work to be a lasting legacy. But unless you are today's Rembrandt or Hemingway or Beethoven, or have your name permanently carved into the stone of a monument or building, what you do today will not last. The things you create, the work you do, the labors of your day will fade away faster than fog on a sunny day. Does anyone remember what you did last week, last month? How can you expect them to remember decades after you're gone?
I know you're thinking: He's going to tell us that loving people is our only true legacy.
Nope, I'm not.
Loving people is worthwhile, don't get me wrong, but those relationships, no matter how long or short, will not last a lifetime, let alone beyond. Out of sight, out of mind and heart. Once you're not around them every day, those same people will forget you and move on to other people because, after all, there's an entire world out there begging to be loved. It shouldn't be too hard to find someone else willing to give it a try, even if it isn't quite real love, just a substitute.
The odds are, none of us will leave a legacy of any kind, large or small. We're all just waves, crashing onto the shore of life and dissipating, disappearing as quickly as we arrive, rapidly replaced by yet another wave coming right behind us. Over time, if enough of us crash onto the same spot, something may get changed by erosion, but that is about it. And we will have played a very tiny part in it.
So don't live your life worried about what your legacy will be, because the chances are you won't be leaving one. Live your life today as if today is all you have and don't worry about tomorrow, let alone the years after you're dead. You won't matter then. You matter right now. So make something oof right now for yourself, because you're the only one who notices anyway.
As we live out day after day, we ponder, if we take the time, our legacy. What will we leave behind when we go?
Some may think their children are their legacy. But that fails to consider that the children are trying to make their own way in this world and are worried about their legacy. They haven't time to be ours. Besides, do you think of the parents of the people you know whenever you see them? No, you think about whether you like that person or not and whether or not you want to spend any time in their presence. You may think kindly of them, or not, but the odds are neither you nor anyone else they know thanks God, or curses God for their parents.
Some may consider their work to be a lasting legacy. But unless you are today's Rembrandt or Hemingway or Beethoven, or have your name permanently carved into the stone of a monument or building, what you do today will not last. The things you create, the work you do, the labors of your day will fade away faster than fog on a sunny day. Does anyone remember what you did last week, last month? How can you expect them to remember decades after you're gone?
I know you're thinking: He's going to tell us that loving people is our only true legacy.
Nope, I'm not.
Loving people is worthwhile, don't get me wrong, but those relationships, no matter how long or short, will not last a lifetime, let alone beyond. Out of sight, out of mind and heart. Once you're not around them every day, those same people will forget you and move on to other people because, after all, there's an entire world out there begging to be loved. It shouldn't be too hard to find someone else willing to give it a try, even if it isn't quite real love, just a substitute.
The odds are, none of us will leave a legacy of any kind, large or small. We're all just waves, crashing onto the shore of life and dissipating, disappearing as quickly as we arrive, rapidly replaced by yet another wave coming right behind us. Over time, if enough of us crash onto the same spot, something may get changed by erosion, but that is about it. And we will have played a very tiny part in it.
So don't live your life worried about what your legacy will be, because the chances are you won't be leaving one. Live your life today as if today is all you have and don't worry about tomorrow, let alone the years after you're dead. You won't matter then. You matter right now. So make something oof right now for yourself, because you're the only one who notices anyway.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
ON THE DOWN SIDE OF BALANCE
I hope you didn't come here looking for answers, because I have none. Just more questions than I've ever had before in my life.
At one time I'd assumed that time taught us answers and removed some of the questions and doubts from our lives, but that doesn't seem to be the case for me. The longer I live, apparently, the less I really know. Because things I thought I knew when I was younger I now know to be more the hubris of youth than any real and concrete answer to life's nagging and troubling questions.
One thing time has done, however, is erode hope, faith and trust. When I was younger I believed things would get better, that I would get smarter, wiser and more accomplished. I also believed I would eventually find and be with the woman I love, that she was out there in the world somewhere and it was just a matter of finding her. And then not being in such a hurry that I missed the fact that she was the one.
I no longer hold on to such hope or have such faith, nor do I trust that, in time, all of this will make some sense to me and will help me become a better man. No, I have found that hope will linger a long time, but it fades as surely as dark clothes left drying in the sun. And faith grows thinner than a spider's thread when it is all that connects you to her, the woman of your dreams and the love of your life. And where I once trusted there was a reason for all of this, a purpose for everyone and everything, I now think that sometimes we suffer and lose just because, well, someone has to in order to keep everything in balance. That the only reason some of us don't get to be with the one we love is because somewhere else in the world two people who love each other are together. They won, we lost, and the standings have to balance so that for every couple that wins, another couple has to lose. For every person who gets to be with the one they love, there has to be someone who doesn't.
And I get to be one who doesn't.
The difference with me today is that I once used to think that, in time, I was going to get to be one of the winners, that one day I would wind up on the plus side of the ledger of love and life, that this dog, as it were, eventually would have his day. I don't believe that any more. I've come to accept that I always will be on the minus side, that winning simply is not in the cards for me, that this dog, as he is, will always be in the dog house. And nobody, especially the woman of my dreams, has any intention of letting me run free in the sunshine of her love.
But don't listen to me. Because I don't know a thing.
At one time I'd assumed that time taught us answers and removed some of the questions and doubts from our lives, but that doesn't seem to be the case for me. The longer I live, apparently, the less I really know. Because things I thought I knew when I was younger I now know to be more the hubris of youth than any real and concrete answer to life's nagging and troubling questions.
One thing time has done, however, is erode hope, faith and trust. When I was younger I believed things would get better, that I would get smarter, wiser and more accomplished. I also believed I would eventually find and be with the woman I love, that she was out there in the world somewhere and it was just a matter of finding her. And then not being in such a hurry that I missed the fact that she was the one.
I no longer hold on to such hope or have such faith, nor do I trust that, in time, all of this will make some sense to me and will help me become a better man. No, I have found that hope will linger a long time, but it fades as surely as dark clothes left drying in the sun. And faith grows thinner than a spider's thread when it is all that connects you to her, the woman of your dreams and the love of your life. And where I once trusted there was a reason for all of this, a purpose for everyone and everything, I now think that sometimes we suffer and lose just because, well, someone has to in order to keep everything in balance. That the only reason some of us don't get to be with the one we love is because somewhere else in the world two people who love each other are together. They won, we lost, and the standings have to balance so that for every couple that wins, another couple has to lose. For every person who gets to be with the one they love, there has to be someone who doesn't.
And I get to be one who doesn't.
The difference with me today is that I once used to think that, in time, I was going to get to be one of the winners, that one day I would wind up on the plus side of the ledger of love and life, that this dog, as it were, eventually would have his day. I don't believe that any more. I've come to accept that I always will be on the minus side, that winning simply is not in the cards for me, that this dog, as he is, will always be in the dog house. And nobody, especially the woman of my dreams, has any intention of letting me run free in the sunshine of her love.
But don't listen to me. Because I don't know a thing.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
THINGS IN COMMON
When you choose a friend, do you choose someone completely different than you? Or do you tend to gravitate towards those with whom you share some common interests and maybe viewpoints?
Naturally, we tend to befriend those with whom we have at least some shared interests.
So why do we tend to wed people with whom we share few, if any, interests? Do we realy hope to build a life of common interests, discovered together? That is, I admit, a possibility. But is it not even more true that people with at least some shared interests are more likely to find something more in common thatn two people who have no foundation at the start?
I don't want to spend my life with someone exactly like me. That would be utterly boring. I do, however, want to spend my days with someone who shares some interests with me but who also will expose me to new things, new ideas, new insights and with whom I can discover things that we both enjoy. And maybe some things we both agree we don't like.
I want both a lover and a companion. And yet first we must be friends. I truly think the very best marriages I know are those between people who truly are each other's best friends. These are people who sometimes were friends first before they became lovers. And while I had often thought it impossible for a friend to turn into a lover, I now think that such a miracle can occur. And it is a miracle we should all seek.
For when the passions cool, as they will in time, and life takes on its daily routine, who would you rather be with? Someone you hardly know with whom you share few or no interests? Or a best friend with whom you can sit and talk, do things together and know that she is having just as much fun at it as you are?
I choose the latter. To me that is the only kind of relationship that truly lasts.
Naturally, we tend to befriend those with whom we have at least some shared interests.
So why do we tend to wed people with whom we share few, if any, interests? Do we realy hope to build a life of common interests, discovered together? That is, I admit, a possibility. But is it not even more true that people with at least some shared interests are more likely to find something more in common thatn two people who have no foundation at the start?
I don't want to spend my life with someone exactly like me. That would be utterly boring. I do, however, want to spend my days with someone who shares some interests with me but who also will expose me to new things, new ideas, new insights and with whom I can discover things that we both enjoy. And maybe some things we both agree we don't like.
I want both a lover and a companion. And yet first we must be friends. I truly think the very best marriages I know are those between people who truly are each other's best friends. These are people who sometimes were friends first before they became lovers. And while I had often thought it impossible for a friend to turn into a lover, I now think that such a miracle can occur. And it is a miracle we should all seek.
For when the passions cool, as they will in time, and life takes on its daily routine, who would you rather be with? Someone you hardly know with whom you share few or no interests? Or a best friend with whom you can sit and talk, do things together and know that she is having just as much fun at it as you are?
I choose the latter. To me that is the only kind of relationship that truly lasts.
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