IF ONLY I COULD GO BACK ....

My father said something interesting to me today. He said he wished he could take the wisdom he has now and take it back in time to give it to himself when he was just a young father so he could do a better job of raising us.
I, too, have had such thoughts, though about other things. If only I could go back in time, I'd tell my younger self to do things differently, to make wiser choices, to find better ways, to turn left instead of right, etc.
But then, I think that if I had that power, if, indeed, I could go back in time, I would not use it to improve my own life, or even to change its course. Not that it couldn't use the improvement, not that I have always made the wisest choices or the smartest decisions.
But if I could travel back in time and change its direction and course, I would not alter my own path. I would alter hers. I would change how her life went, how her path was forged by time. I would make her childhood better, I would find a way to ease her growing up, allay the fears that have gripped her from time to time, drive back the demons that regularly nip at her heels and have dogged her for far too long.
That would change who she is today, in dramatic ways, and I cannot be sure it would make her better today. But I think it would make her happier and healthier. And that would be enough.
That would mean she would not be the same woman I love, the woman I will always love. But that would be worth the sacrifice if I could give her a better life and a better future. Because she deserves that. She suffered enough as a child, as a teen and now as an adult. If I could give her a childhood with more love and happiness in it, some teen years with less turmoil, more triumphs over fear and doubt and no unwarranted and unwanted intrusions by others, then I think the adult her would be more able to love and be loved and would be far less fearful of it. Even if it meant we would never meet and I would never get to love her. Ever.
Of course, this is all just dreaminess, just supposition. I can no more go back in time than I can change her heart. I can only hope and pray that one day she will realize what she has lost and will turn back to see if love still waits for her.
Because it always will.