My father said something interesting to me today. He said he wished he could take the wisdom he has now and take it back in time to give it to himself when he was just a young father so he could do a better job of raising us.
I, too, have had such thoughts, though about other things. If only I could go back in time, I'd tell my younger self to do things differently, to make wiser choices, to find better ways, to turn left instead of right, etc.
But then, I think that if I had that power, if, indeed, I could go back in time, I would not use it to improve my own life, or even to change its course. Not that it couldn't use the improvement, not that I have always made the wisest choices or the smartest decisions.
But if I could travel back in time and change its direction and course, I would not alter my own path. I would alter hers. I would change how her life went, how her path was forged by time. I would make her childhood better, I would find a way to ease her growing up, allay the fears that have gripped her from time to time, drive back the demons that regularly nip at her heels and have dogged her for far too long.
That would change who she is today, in dramatic ways, and I cannot be sure it would make her better today. But I think it would make her happier and healthier. And that would be enough.
That would mean she would not be the same woman I love, the woman I will always love. But that would be worth the sacrifice if I could give her a better life and a better future. Because she deserves that. She suffered enough as a child, as a teen and now as an adult. If I could give her a childhood with more love and happiness in it, some teen years with less turmoil, more triumphs over fear and doubt and no unwarranted and unwanted intrusions by others, then I think the adult her would be more able to love and be loved and would be far less fearful of it. Even if it meant we would never meet and I would never get to love her. Ever.
Of course, this is all just dreaminess, just supposition. I can no more go back in time than I can change her heart. I can only hope and pray that one day she will realize what she has lost and will turn back to see if love still waits for her.
Because it always will.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
WAIT FOR LOVE
Most people want to love and be loved. The problem is, most of us don't love and aren't loved.
Instead, we think we love and we hope we are loved. But what we really do is substitute other things -- security, peace, praise, power, sex, control -- for love, both in what we give and in what we receive.
Now part of the problem is that most of us, like it or not, want love so badly that we accept these substitutes rather than wait another day for love. We really want to love and be loved, but we aren't sure we know how to love and are even more unsure we'd know love if it walked up to us and gave us a kiss.
So we accept far less than we deserve. We accept far less than love.
Now granted, many of these errors are made out of need, out of exuberance but mostly out of fear and uncertainty -- fear that no one will ever love us, so we take what we can get even when it is far less than love; and uncertainty about whether what we are experiencing is love.
Now I'd love to tell you how to know if you are in love and are being loved, to give you a list of things to check off to make sure it is what you are looking for, but what everyone always says about love is so very true -- you'll just know. So maybe that is the key. If you don't really know that what you have and what you receive is love, then maybe you should step back and reconsider everything.
Because love is worth it. It is worth the wait, it is worth the searching, it is worth the time, it is worth the ache, the emptiness, the longing, the dreaming, the hoping, the desiring.
So don't dive into a mistake, an error, that will only wind up leaving two people hurting, empty, longing and, well, confused. Find love, give love and then go on with life together.
Because that is what we all want, even if we sometimes mistake it for something else entirely.
Instead, we think we love and we hope we are loved. But what we really do is substitute other things -- security, peace, praise, power, sex, control -- for love, both in what we give and in what we receive.
Now part of the problem is that most of us, like it or not, want love so badly that we accept these substitutes rather than wait another day for love. We really want to love and be loved, but we aren't sure we know how to love and are even more unsure we'd know love if it walked up to us and gave us a kiss.
So we accept far less than we deserve. We accept far less than love.
Now granted, many of these errors are made out of need, out of exuberance but mostly out of fear and uncertainty -- fear that no one will ever love us, so we take what we can get even when it is far less than love; and uncertainty about whether what we are experiencing is love.
Now I'd love to tell you how to know if you are in love and are being loved, to give you a list of things to check off to make sure it is what you are looking for, but what everyone always says about love is so very true -- you'll just know. So maybe that is the key. If you don't really know that what you have and what you receive is love, then maybe you should step back and reconsider everything.
Because love is worth it. It is worth the wait, it is worth the searching, it is worth the time, it is worth the ache, the emptiness, the longing, the dreaming, the hoping, the desiring.
So don't dive into a mistake, an error, that will only wind up leaving two people hurting, empty, longing and, well, confused. Find love, give love and then go on with life together.
Because that is what we all want, even if we sometimes mistake it for something else entirely.
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