An abiding restlessness permeates the skin, flooding muscle and bone alike.
It clings to hair, covers the body, fills the mind, overflows into the soul.
No location feels quite right. No place offers even a second’s peace or relaxation. The knife is always on edge, the muscles always taught, the mind always on alert, the body always in motion.
This is what it is like to be homeless in your own skin.
There is no rest. In bed, the urge is to remain awake. Awake, the urge is to sleep. Driving, the need is to be sitting still. Sitting still, the push is to get moving. The next place, the next stop offers some hope, but it soon dissolves like salt into warm water. Just keep moving on, a vagabond in your own life, unable to settle down, incapable of finding peace.
People surround, filling in empty places, but even the familiar is now a stranger, the sight of anyone, everyone a cause to flee to – Where? Where to go that offers any hope?
A memory lingers – or is it simply the reminder of a mirage? -- of a place that once was home, a place where heart, mind, body and soul felt at ease, was comfortable, found contentment. It is out there somewhere, isn’t it?
It is not out there somewhere. It is out there with someone. Because home, the saying goes, is where the heart is. This is what happens when the heart has been given to another. When the heart no longer abides inside, but belongs to a place and a person who has taken it far away. Where, then, is home?
Home is a person. Home is completeness. Home is peace. Home is where heart, body, mind and soul finally can rest easy.
But there is no going home. A lifetime ban has been issued. Home is off-limits. Home is out of bounds. Home is unreachable. Home is unattainable. Home is for someone else.
All that is left is restlessness, unease, no peace.
There is no home, or hope, for the weary.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
HOW WILL YOU KNOW?
When I was growing up, I wondered a lot about love. I knew I loved my parents and my siblings. I knew I "loved" football and most other sports. I knew I "loved" my mother's homemade pies.
But I was unsure how to know if I loved someone else, someone from outside the family sphere.
For many years this was not a problem, since women avoided me like the plague. I couldn't buy a date, let alone get one with a simple request. When I did screw up the courage to ask a woman out, it often was met with a look of disgust and disdain, as if she would not deign to date me if I were the last male on the planet. It is safe to say I knew I did not love any of them.
Still, I wanted to know how I could be sure I loved someone, if the right woman ever came along. People who'd experienced love would just say, "You'll know," and get a wistful look on their faces. I had no idea what that meant or how that was supposed to help me when the time came.
Then, by a miracle, I fell in love. And in that moment I understood what those people had been trying to tell me. When you know, you just know. In your heart. In your soul. In every cell of your being. You know you love her more than life itself, more than anything or anyone else on the planet. That knowledge helped explain to me why "a man will leave his mother and father and cling" to the woman he loves. It explained to me, better than anything else, the story of the pearl of great price. I could never understand why someone would sell everything he had in order to have this one singular pearl. After all, it was just a pearl! And no matter how much that pearl would get him, it didn't seem to be worth the trouble of selling off everything he had. Ahh, but when you see the pearl as love, as that one person on earth you were born to love, then that parable makes so much more sense. For you will gladly, happily sell off everything you have in order to have her in your life for the rest of that life.
Knowing you love her, however, does not eliminate all worry and anxiety. You'll still be plagued by worries -- Does she love you? What if something happens to her, how will you ever go on? What challenges and hurdles will life throw at the two of you? -- and challenges -- You'll need to be vigilant to make sure you never forget what a miraculous gift she is and to reassure her of that on a daily, hourly basis; you'll have to be ready to make sacrifices to ensure her continued happiness; and you'll have to learn to allow her space and time to herself, to let her grow and develop and become the complete woman she was born to be, all while remaining a part of that growth and that life by sharing it with her.
If you truly love her and know it, then these challenges and hurdles will be so much easier to clear because love makes everything easier. As a wise person once said, "If you truly love someone, it is not work. It is only work when you don't love someone."
And you'll know you love someone when, well, you just know.
Trust me on this, okay?
But I was unsure how to know if I loved someone else, someone from outside the family sphere.
For many years this was not a problem, since women avoided me like the plague. I couldn't buy a date, let alone get one with a simple request. When I did screw up the courage to ask a woman out, it often was met with a look of disgust and disdain, as if she would not deign to date me if I were the last male on the planet. It is safe to say I knew I did not love any of them.
Still, I wanted to know how I could be sure I loved someone, if the right woman ever came along. People who'd experienced love would just say, "You'll know," and get a wistful look on their faces. I had no idea what that meant or how that was supposed to help me when the time came.
Then, by a miracle, I fell in love. And in that moment I understood what those people had been trying to tell me. When you know, you just know. In your heart. In your soul. In every cell of your being. You know you love her more than life itself, more than anything or anyone else on the planet. That knowledge helped explain to me why "a man will leave his mother and father and cling" to the woman he loves. It explained to me, better than anything else, the story of the pearl of great price. I could never understand why someone would sell everything he had in order to have this one singular pearl. After all, it was just a pearl! And no matter how much that pearl would get him, it didn't seem to be worth the trouble of selling off everything he had. Ahh, but when you see the pearl as love, as that one person on earth you were born to love, then that parable makes so much more sense. For you will gladly, happily sell off everything you have in order to have her in your life for the rest of that life.
Knowing you love her, however, does not eliminate all worry and anxiety. You'll still be plagued by worries -- Does she love you? What if something happens to her, how will you ever go on? What challenges and hurdles will life throw at the two of you? -- and challenges -- You'll need to be vigilant to make sure you never forget what a miraculous gift she is and to reassure her of that on a daily, hourly basis; you'll have to be ready to make sacrifices to ensure her continued happiness; and you'll have to learn to allow her space and time to herself, to let her grow and develop and become the complete woman she was born to be, all while remaining a part of that growth and that life by sharing it with her.
If you truly love her and know it, then these challenges and hurdles will be so much easier to clear because love makes everything easier. As a wise person once said, "If you truly love someone, it is not work. It is only work when you don't love someone."
And you'll know you love someone when, well, you just know.
Trust me on this, okay?
Friday, July 1, 2011
FACING THE TEST
In school, we faced a lot of tests. There were the math tests, the science tests, the spelling tests, the reading tests and then, from time to time, there were physical education tests. Life included other tests too, like classmates testing your manhood on the playground or friends testing your friendship by asking you to cover for them or do something your conscience wasn't sure was right.
I can't say I was ever good at tests. But, unlike some classmates, I grew to accept tests as a regular part of life. I didn't worry too much about them beforehand and I certainly didn't fret for a moment about how I did once that paper left my hand and headed to the teacher's desk. All I felt was relief that yet another test had passed and was over. My score was, well, my score and nothing I did or thought after the fact was going to change that.
The tests didn't end when I left school, however. They continued, even to this day. Work is a daily test, though with experience we get better at taking it. When I first started, the boss was testing me to see what I could do and how much I could get done and still do it well. The more I could do, the more was expected of me. In today's world, the test becomes how much I can do and take before I finally complain and say, ENOUGH!
Then there are the tests I make for myself. When I work out today, can I do a little more, work a little harder, make my body perform at a higher level than yesterday? What can I do to get faster, stronger, fitter? I want to push my body to the edge of fatigue, to edge of breaking down, but not past that point and into the chasm of tiredness, pain and injury that awaits those who go too far.
Relationships also are filled with tests. Her voice may well be asking you what you want to do, but her heart and mind might be testing you to see if you will choose something you really want to do -- which would be self-centered and maybe even selfish -- or if you will choose something you know she wants to do, even if it is something you dislike. Or she may test you by trusting you with something secret, something personal, to see what you do with such information. Do you share it with others? Do you brag about knowing it? Do you use that information as a weapon against her, threatening her peace of mind and heart and soul with it?
If you love her and she loves you, then there is trust and the tests are not an issue and not necessary. And if you trust her and she trusts you then there can be love and the answers to those questions and tests are easy. You keep her secrets in your heart where only you and she can share them and they will stay locked in there forever, if necessary.
But the heart can create other tests to face, tests that neither of you can foresee. Circumstance may force the two of you to be separated for a time and that is a test of both love and your hearts, to see how much you can bear. It can seem overwhelming, but if you can hold on and endure, what comes next can be an even deeper, more profound and more complete relationship than you thought or dreamed was possible. For while they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, I think absence makes us face the reality of our feelings for this person and makes us more acutely aware of just how much they mean to us and just how important they are to us. So that when we are reunited, we cherish this person even more than we did before. So that every kiss, every touch, every embrace, every spoken word and unspoken gesture is precious and vital and remembered. Our senses are even more attuned to their every movement, every breath. Like the sponge that has gone dry, we absorb every precious drop of life water he/she releases to us once we are together once again.
But first, we must survive the test. First we must graciously and stoically endure the separation, still loving them and caring for them and hoping for them and dreaming of them while waiting for that moment when the test is over and the grades are in and we have passed with flying colors. Then, and only then, can we begin to celebrate and continue the celebrating for the rest of our lives.
I can't say I was ever good at tests. But, unlike some classmates, I grew to accept tests as a regular part of life. I didn't worry too much about them beforehand and I certainly didn't fret for a moment about how I did once that paper left my hand and headed to the teacher's desk. All I felt was relief that yet another test had passed and was over. My score was, well, my score and nothing I did or thought after the fact was going to change that.
The tests didn't end when I left school, however. They continued, even to this day. Work is a daily test, though with experience we get better at taking it. When I first started, the boss was testing me to see what I could do and how much I could get done and still do it well. The more I could do, the more was expected of me. In today's world, the test becomes how much I can do and take before I finally complain and say, ENOUGH!
Then there are the tests I make for myself. When I work out today, can I do a little more, work a little harder, make my body perform at a higher level than yesterday? What can I do to get faster, stronger, fitter? I want to push my body to the edge of fatigue, to edge of breaking down, but not past that point and into the chasm of tiredness, pain and injury that awaits those who go too far.
Relationships also are filled with tests. Her voice may well be asking you what you want to do, but her heart and mind might be testing you to see if you will choose something you really want to do -- which would be self-centered and maybe even selfish -- or if you will choose something you know she wants to do, even if it is something you dislike. Or she may test you by trusting you with something secret, something personal, to see what you do with such information. Do you share it with others? Do you brag about knowing it? Do you use that information as a weapon against her, threatening her peace of mind and heart and soul with it?
If you love her and she loves you, then there is trust and the tests are not an issue and not necessary. And if you trust her and she trusts you then there can be love and the answers to those questions and tests are easy. You keep her secrets in your heart where only you and she can share them and they will stay locked in there forever, if necessary.
But the heart can create other tests to face, tests that neither of you can foresee. Circumstance may force the two of you to be separated for a time and that is a test of both love and your hearts, to see how much you can bear. It can seem overwhelming, but if you can hold on and endure, what comes next can be an even deeper, more profound and more complete relationship than you thought or dreamed was possible. For while they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, I think absence makes us face the reality of our feelings for this person and makes us more acutely aware of just how much they mean to us and just how important they are to us. So that when we are reunited, we cherish this person even more than we did before. So that every kiss, every touch, every embrace, every spoken word and unspoken gesture is precious and vital and remembered. Our senses are even more attuned to their every movement, every breath. Like the sponge that has gone dry, we absorb every precious drop of life water he/she releases to us once we are together once again.
But first, we must survive the test. First we must graciously and stoically endure the separation, still loving them and caring for them and hoping for them and dreaming of them while waiting for that moment when the test is over and the grades are in and we have passed with flying colors. Then, and only then, can we begin to celebrate and continue the celebrating for the rest of our lives.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)