When I was younger I knew a lot more. Really. I did.
I knew what I wanted. I knew that I'd eventually find it. I knew I had a future. I knew I was ready for it. I knew my heart. I knew my mind. I knew there was a place for me in this world. And I'd know it when I found it.
Then time passed and my knowledge slowly evaporated. Until today, I know nothing. Or at least very little.
Oh, I know what I still want. I want to love and be loved. I no longer have to find it. I just have to figure out how to live without it and the woman who embodies it. I'm no longer certain there is a future for me. No am I ready for one if it does come along. I no longer know my own heart, since it resides in the woman who no longer seems to want it. As for a place in this world, increasingly there is none for me because time, it seems, has passed me by, like the breeze blows over the dandelion, leaving it shorn.
I used to think of time as a line, leading from here to there. It may not be a straight line, but it would lead from point to point to point, until, in time, it would take me where I was supposed to go.
Now I think of time as a tide. It rolls in, it rolls out. And only when it is at the right spot, when it has reached the farthest point, can you jump off and move onto another wave. Hesitate and you'll miss that chance and be stuck for a while, if not forever, on your present-day wave. Like it or not.
I had the chance to jump off and join the woman I love on a wave we would share. But she hesitated and so I hesitated and suddenly, stunningly, she was gone, carried away from me as her wave went one direction and mine in another. Never, I fear, to be carried to within our shared reach any time in the future.
Time, I once thought, was supposed to instill in us some wisdom, some knowledge that we would and could share with others. All time has taught me is that the longer I live, the less I really know. Instead, those waves of time seem to have eroded the knowledge I once had, leaving my mind and heart smoother and emptier than ever before.
And waiting, hoping, for her wave to return to this shore.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
SWING FOR THE FENCES
As I approach yet another birthday, I again come to grips with the inevitable passing of time. And the aging that comes along with it. Nothing I can do will stop time from passing. Nothing I can buy or own or do will stop my body from aging.
Let's face it, we're all just heading for death, a day at a time.And there is absolutely nothing we can do to prevent it.
Now that I have completely depressed you, let me just add one more thing: So go out there and love the one you love with all that you have, all that you are, all that you ever will be. If he or she does not want or accept your love, at least you can die knowing that you gave it everything you had -- heart, soul, mind and body. After all, it does absolutely no good to hold something back for "later," especially if "later" never comes around.
And yet I know that while anyone out there reading this is probably shaking their head yes, most of us will soon fall right back into our old habits of keeping some part of us -- our love, our energy, our thoughts, our passions -- in reserve, in hiding, to ourselves. Because we are so much like the kids playing Little League baseball: We're afraid to swing hard, to swing for the fences because we might miss. And that would be just too embarrassing.
Well, I say: Be embarrassing. Be daring. Give it your all. Put it all out there. Gamble everything on love. Yes, you might lose. Yes, the one you love might just spurn your love, laugh in your face, turn away, reject you. But the alternative is to spend the rest of your life wondering, like that kid in Little League, what would have happened if, just once, you'd swung with all your might.
Let's face it, we're all just heading for death, a day at a time.And there is absolutely nothing we can do to prevent it.
Now that I have completely depressed you, let me just add one more thing: So go out there and love the one you love with all that you have, all that you are, all that you ever will be. If he or she does not want or accept your love, at least you can die knowing that you gave it everything you had -- heart, soul, mind and body. After all, it does absolutely no good to hold something back for "later," especially if "later" never comes around.
And yet I know that while anyone out there reading this is probably shaking their head yes, most of us will soon fall right back into our old habits of keeping some part of us -- our love, our energy, our thoughts, our passions -- in reserve, in hiding, to ourselves. Because we are so much like the kids playing Little League baseball: We're afraid to swing hard, to swing for the fences because we might miss. And that would be just too embarrassing.
Well, I say: Be embarrassing. Be daring. Give it your all. Put it all out there. Gamble everything on love. Yes, you might lose. Yes, the one you love might just spurn your love, laugh in your face, turn away, reject you. But the alternative is to spend the rest of your life wondering, like that kid in Little League, what would have happened if, just once, you'd swung with all your might.
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